


The JadED

by Akanamidako



Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Multi, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, Underage Substance Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 18:01:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17923667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akanamidako/pseuds/Akanamidako
Summary: It's been years since the tragedy that forever changed the course of life for a group of individuals in a small cul de sac. Most have moved on, even when they didn't want to and life went on. Time heals all wounds, right? What will happen when an unexpected miracle intervenes with destiny and their lives are changed yet again? [Slight AU sequel to Scary Spikender's "Forfeit'.]





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Forfeit](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/459860) by Scary Spikender (deactivated). 



Hello all! And thanks for taking the time to read this. There’s just a couple of things I want to go over.  
First of all, this story is a sequel to another fic: “Forfeit” by Scary Spikender. I DO have their permission to use the idea. I messaged them about years ago now and they said it was ok. It’s going to pick up right where that story left off. Even still, I’m going to do my best to make it a stand alone fic so you don’t necessarily HAVE to read that fic to know what’s going on.  
That being said, the original idea is where Scary’s involvement ends. They have an idea of the basic plot, but otherwise have no idea what I’m planning or what I’ve been writing. As Scary Spikender based the original story off their perception of canon, I have done this one off my interpretation of canon as well. So, my story’s going to be different, so please don’t judge them based on my writing and vice versa. (Seriously….I do NOT want them being harassed for you not liking something in this story.)  
Speaking of the original story, this story is going to slightly deviate from the original ending, so if you’re overly attached to it and think it is the absolute perfect ending, then, I’d skip this. I’m not changing it at all, but it’s going to venture from what’s expected.

As a warning, this story will contain a lot of sensitive subjects including: alcohol and drug abuse, self harm, some language and sexual situations, and mentions of death, suicide, abuse, trauma, and rape, so please be advised. I’d prefer not to put a warning at the beginning of every chapter, but I have no problem doing so for these topics. 

Another thing, chances are I won’t be posting author’s notes to the chapters. I feel as though they kind of chop the story up, and I really want it to feel cohesive. (I have no problems with author’s notes within a story; I just don’t think it suits my style of writing.) I will post author’s notes separately on my blog, however, and try my best to link it with the chapters.

I also want to apologize for the chapter numbers. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to change how the site numbers things, but whatever chapter we're actually on will be in the chapter title. I thought about posting it all in one, but the chapters are broken up that way to give people a reprieve instead of just gazing at a little wall of text. (I am a bit wordy, unfortunately. ^^)

Finally and most important, I sincerely hope you enjoy this story! It started off as an idea I had and took a life of it’s own, ergo it’ll be different for an Ed Edd n Eddy story. I’ve grown very attached to this story artistically and it really means a lot to me. That, coupled with me being a perfectionist and depression, has delayed the story as long as it has, so expect slower updates. I’m going to try my absolute best not to keep updates too far apart however and try my hardest to stay on top of things.  
Even still, I hope you all really enjoy this and reviews (good and constructively bad) are enjoyed, encouraged, and appreciated!

Thank you all very much!

P.S. Every chapter is titled after a song relating to it. I’ll post the song name and artist, and hopefully a video/music along with the lyrics in my author’s notes posts.


	2. Chapter 1: Sorgen Kammer Ed II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: http://cyanidefilledcandy.tumblr.com/post/137839570699/jaded-chapter-1-authors-notes

*FLASH*  
*BANG*  
Five pairs of eyes stare dead ahead, all wide-eyed. Then one of the pairs of eyes roll back into their head and the body falls. A gasp and a sob are heard before more flashes; more bangs.  
And just like that, our troubles are over. They’re gone. We’re free.

*FLASH FLASH*  
Flashes of red and blue. Red and blue.  
We all sit there huddled in a room. Crying. Smiling. We know we’re in trouble. Funny, cause for once, we didn’t do nothin. We hear people banging on my door; trying to break it down. We don’t care though. We have each other, and that’s all all that matters right now.  
The door gets busted down and the police come and snatch me away from the two I finally realized were all I needed. The two I realized I couldn’t live without. The only two people in the world I had .  
They are really rough with us, even though none of us are fighting. They shove us all in the back of different police cars and speed off to the station.

*FLASH FLASH FLASH*  
A picture to the front, a picture to the side. Then they repeat the same with my two buddies. They take our pictures, our finger prints, and put all of our information in their system. They have us all wait in a cell. I look over at my friends. One is shaking, shaking bad….worse than I’ve ever seen him. He’s crying, mumbling to himself. I look next to him, at my taller friend. He’s quiet, except for his heavy breathing. He looks like he’s in shock, his eyes are wide and his hands sticking out with his palms up. I HATE seein them this way…  
“Don’t worry guys. I mean…we’re innocent! All we gotta do is tell em what happened and we’re home-free.”  
They look somewhat hopeful, but I can still see that one of them is unsure, the one that used to have a sock on his head. They took it off him, exposing his huge scar to the world, probably another thing that was making him uncomfortable. I grab his hand.  
“Hey…it’s going to be ok.”  
It has to be. We’re an unlucky bunch, but justice will prevail, right? I squeeze his hand tighter, partly to assure him…partly to assure myself.  
“I promise…”  
I look around the station. All the adults there look at us with anger and hate in their eyes…it reminds me a lot of home, and I suddenly realize…we ain’t gettin outta this…  
I think for a moment, and then whisper to my friends.  
“Guys…” They turn to me. “I need you to listen REAL close to me and do exactly as I say…” I smile a bit. Everything’s going to be fine…

*FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH*  
News reporters and cameras are everywhere. They’re all in my face. Asking questions, taking pictures. Suddenly, I’m a big thing. A hot shot. I could almost laugh…I almost laugh…  
But, I could care less. I can’t hear them; I can barely see them. I look over and only see two people. One screams and cries, looking confused and hurt at the same time. Like for some reason he can’t understand, his entire world has come to an end. I barely understand it myself.  
All I know is that I made a promise. A promise I HAD to keep no matter what.  
The lawyer only told us what I already knew. We were going down and no one was going to be feel sorry for us. Even though we’d been tortured for years. Even though the others had tried to get revenge on us (a lot of it for stuff we didn’t even do). Even though my two friends were drugged and humiliated, with a picture and tests to prove it.  
Three girls were dead, and that’s all anyone cared about. Even though we didn’t do anything wrong, we weren’t gonna get outta this. This was happening. This was real. And I just couldn’t let it happen to my friends! I had to protect them!  
“I shot them. It was me. NOT them.”  
The lawyer told me I shouldn’t say that, but I knew what I was doing.  
I’ll take the fall….just leave my friends alone…  
So my fate was sealed.

I watch my friend trying to break away from the people who hold him; trying his hardest to get to us. But he had to watch the only two people he had be taken away. One he won’t see for a while; one, he won’t see ever again.  
I glance a little bit in front of me and see the other person, in cuffs, just like me. He looks scared, but it ain’t nothin compared to the sadness I see. I still can’t believe they’re making him go too! I said I did it! Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?!  
His face breaks as he looks at me. I really hate seein him this way… I smile at him, hoping that he realizes I did the right thing. That he and my other friend will be ok. That everything will be alright now. Just like I promised..  
He doesn’t smile back, though. Just stares at me with tears rolling down his face, even as they put him in the car. We’re going to the same place, but we know we’ll probably hardly see each other. We also know what kind of things happen there. And when he leaves, like my other pal, he’ll never see me again. I look back at my other friend, who by this point has gone into a fit, and with his incredible strength, it takes at least 15 people to hold him back.  
I’ll miss ya, ya big lug…  
Bye, Sockhead…

And so my new, short life began. It began in a flash, and it ends with a flash. A final flash that I won’t see…when someone snaps a picture of my dead body.

I was ready. 

 

 

 

Only….that didn’t happen….


	3. Chapter 2: You Know What They Do To Eds Like Us In Prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: http://cyanidefilledcandy.tumblr.com/post/138165345364/the-jaded-chapter-2-authors-notes

My eyes open and I find myself lying on my back staring up into darkness. I remain motionless, staring into the void I see. Not thinking. Not feeling. After a few minutes my alarm clock starts its incessant ringing. Still, I make no effort to move. Actually, to be more precise, I can’t move. Same as yesterday…

This is how all of my days begin. It’s become such a constant part of my life that I now just consider it part of my morning routine (or afternoon rather): forcing myself out of bed. I war with myself, trying, rather pitifully, to convince myself to get up, get dressed, or even move a singular limb on my body. I have grocery shopping to do, and immediately following I have to start getting ready for work, so that I can afford to eat at all. But, this hardly seems reason enough for me to move. So I don’t, and continue to stare into the darkness, feeling as if it is swallowing me whole. I blink and feel a single tear fall. It runs down the side of my face, around the curve of my ear, and onto my pillow. 

I sigh, and turn my head to the side, the rest of me remaining perfectly stationary. But, it’s a start. I reach over to the side of my bed to turn on my lamp. I hear a click, but my world remains dark. I try again and still the same result. A sigh escapes me.  
I didn’t pay the electric bill…

I will my body to roll on it’s side and drag myself to sit at the edge of my bed. I stay there for a minute, before pushing down on my bed in an effort to propel myself upwards. 

When I do, I feel my foot hit something, and I look down. My lips purse at the objects I left on the floor the night previous.  
Messy messy messy…

I bend down, clean up the mess, and then make my way to the bathroom. I find myself kneeling on the floor in front of my commode before sticking my fingers down my throat. I regurgitate all of the contents from my stomach and rinse my mouth with some mouthwash afterwards. It’s quite a horrid, disgusting habit I’ve developed, but….it’s something that has to be done. I go back and rummage for some candles, light them, and then precede with the next phase of my routine, my shower. 

My showers were always something that brought me such tranquility. It was as if I could feel all of my excessive worries and consternations being washed away from me along with the dirt, grime, and bacteria my body had collected. Of course, now it was just another thing on my long list of anxieties…  
After my shower, I continue my daily preparations, contemplating whether I should eat “breakfast” or not, and then quickly decide the answer.  
No breakfast today. 

As I’m finishing up, I glance upon the mirror to look myself over.  
The person I see staring back at me is thin. His skin has an almost greyish quality to it and his eyes have dark circles surrounding them. He doesn’t smile and his eyes seem vacant. And on his head, a long thick scar runs down the center right.  
I quirk a bit of a smile. It’s kind of funny, actually. I look every bit of what society views me as.

A criminal. 

My parent’s attorney looked at us with worry. I could tell he was a bit torn. Afterall, what upstanding person would want to defend three boys who murdered three “innocent” girls in cold blood? But, he had a job to do. He sighed, and told us that things didn’t look good.

“Bu- but, it was in self defense!” I exclaim in a panic. He looks at me, doubt clearly written all over his face.

“Honestly!” I yell, practically hyperventilating. Eddy taps me and tells me to “chill out”. I try to steady my breathing, but it still comes out erratically. Our lawyer sighs again.

“Even still, it doesn’t look good for you. It isn’t just one body, it’s three. All female. You fled from the scene. Not to mention one of you has a history of violence.”  
My heart sinks to my stomach. 

“What? No we don’t!” Eddy screams, indignantly. “We pulled a buncha pranks and shit at school, but we ain’t never…”

“Eddy…”

“What?!” he exclaims, barely paying attention to me.

I sigh. “….he’s telling the truth.”

Eddy seemed to deflate at this and turned to gaze at me with shock. Ed also looked at me and I felt myself shrink into my chair. However, I decided that it t was time they knew. Our attorney remained quiet as I explained to my friends my past crimes. In fact, it was the whole reason my parents had an attorney in the first place. When I finished, Ed looked a bit confused. Eddy looked at me as if he didn’t know who I was or what to make of me, and I wanted to die right there. 

“But, everything was dropped,” I said as I turned back to our attorney. “It’s technically not even on my record!” I looked imploringly into his eyes.  
Our lawyer sighed and told me that it didn’t matter. That any dirt they had on us, especially legal issues, they would use against us. I felt all the air leave my lungs in one breath. 

Eddy who hadn’t stopped staring at me since my confession seemed to snap out of whatever thoughts he was having with a shake of his head. 

“Look. None of that matters. I did it, ok?”

The attorney tries to argue with Eddy, telling him we’d all be better off waiting for a plea bargain, but Eddy didn’t back down. He had no choice but to relent. 

Then, there was court. It was positively horrendous. 

The Kankers’ mother took to the stand. She was in tears for the majority of it. She told everyone how precious and sweet her daughters were; how they were all she had in the world. Hearing her, I felt horrible for how things had transpired, though I still knew that it was their own actions that ultimately lead the sisters to such a tragic fate. She appeared to be unaware of this, however, and argued that we should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

Our cul-de-sac neighbors also took to the stands. It was bad enough having to live through their atrocities once, but we had to relive them all over again. Not only that, but we heard the real reasons that set off this spiraling catastrophe, and most of it was so…PETTY! I could hardly believe my ears! Jimmy’s was the absolute worst! How utterly unfounded and preposterous! To think I wanted Sarah of all people! 

Sure, I had a crush on her once, but that hardly lasted more than a few weeks. The more time I spent around her, the more I wanted to be as far away from her as possible! I suppose his reasons were supposed to be justified in the fact that Sarah turned out to actually still have feelings for me, but how was *I* to blame? And, once again, it turns out he was the mastermind behind this contemptible scheme. The longer he was there , the more I felt something like a sickness growing in the pit of my stomach. Then came our turns. 

Ed told the tale as best as he could. He was never good at making up stories. (Well, believable stories.) But as it were, the only thing he had to make up was the ending, and Eddy told him what to say, stressing how very important it was. The prosecution lawyer tried to play mind games with him at first. It was highly unnecessary considering we weren’t really fighting against what had happened. All it did was confuse Ed. He finally toned it down, but poor Ed could still barely follow. He finally had to…*ahem* “dumb things down”, as they say, to the simplest of layman’s terms. Then came my turn. Like Ed, I was shown no mercy. I even teared up a bit, though I tried to hold it in. As much as I hated it, I stuck with Eddy’s version of the events. I really didn’t want to. Placing the entire blame on Eddy hardly seemed fair (not to mention dishonest). But, Eddy told us that it was the best solution; that everything would be alright if we did what he said. And, like always, we believed him.

 

We always were his fools. 

Thankfully, they had not brought up my previous arrest as the lawyer predicted, though, I often wonder what difference that made in the end…

Eddy went last, and then we got the verdict. 

Ed, the judge decided, was too mentally challenged to know what was really happening. I suppose him being on the witness stand was all of the proof he needed. He ordered him to developmental therapy, however, which honestly seemed like a good thing to me. I grabbed his hand, and smiled up at him. I was happy for him. My verdict was next. Since I’m of sound mind, I was found guilty of fourth degree murder; an accomplice. And sentenced to 18 months in prison. I swallowed and nodded numbly. I didn’t know much about prison, but the few things I had read and the even fewer programs involving it that I’ve seen with Ed and Eddy made it sound absolutely dreadful. But much, much worse than that, my record was now ruined. Then came Eddy’s verdict..

“First degree murder by his own admission. The sentence…”

 

I gasped and then felt myself stop breathing. Time itself seemed to stop in that moment. I could swear that everything went still and silent. That…that just couldn’t be right….

Yes, the Kankers were dead; yes, we fled the scene, but it was in self defense! We ALL gave that testimony, from Ed, Eddy, and I to the other kids from the cul-de-sac! Our lives were in danger! We had no choice!

I felt a pressure on my hand which jogged me out of my thoughts. Ed had tightened his grip on my hand. I looked up at him and he was staring straight ahead in a stunned fashion. It appears even he understood what was about to happen. I looked over to Eddy. He looked a bit sad, but strangely enough, he mostly seemed…resolute. 

We were lead out of the court. Ed was released to his family, while Eddy and I were escorted outside. My mind was reeling. As much as I played everything in my head, I just couldn’t make sense of the situation! I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that my mind didn’t even register the utter mayhem that was happening around me outside until much later. Was it just really that unlucky to be an “Ed”?  
“DOUBLE DEE! EDDY!”

I turned to see Ed running after us. His father tried holding him back, but it wasn’t enough to stop him. I wanted to offer him soft words, to hug him and pat him on the head, to tell him everything would be alright as I so often did when he was upset. But, in my current emotional state, I wouldn’t have been able to even if I didn’t have cuffs on and was being led away. 

I looked back at Eddy. He was looking down seemingly in contemplation, but smiled when he noticed I was watching him. It hit me then that, tiny as it was, I would never see that smile again. And all the tears I had been trying to hold in erupted. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I couldn’t fathom WHY it was happening. All I knew was that I was about to lose one of the two most important people in my life. The only two people in the world I had really…

Finally, I was in the back of the police car and the door was closed, shutting out all of the chaos from outside. And I couldn’t hold back anymore. I sobbed.  
I was trying to be strong before, but what difference did it make? Holding everything in made me feel ill, and it didn’t help Ed. He felt just like I did in that moment. Inconsolable. 

My sobbing subsided as I looked at the officer driving the vehicle, who advises that I get all of my crying done, lest I look like a “pussy” in front of my “new roommates”.  
His words were logical enough, but he sounded almost like….like he was telling a joke! I know most people think we were making up things about the Kankers, but even if we were, how could he view this as a laughing matter?! I began to feel a squirming in my stomach again.. A very familiar feeling…

I followed his advice anyway and as we drew closer to intake, I tried to mentally build up my resolve. You had to be tough in prison, correct? Or else become a target for violence. When we arrived and I was removed from the car, I looked around for Eddy in the short time I was allowed a reprieve. I felt it was important to see him as much as I could. His ride seemed to be lagging behind a bit, however.  
I won’t recall my entry. It was fairly uneventful, though still highly unpleasant and mortifying. I was processed in, given a few necessities, and lead to the bus that would take me (and a few others) to our destination. 

Upon entering the actual prison, my inner barriers of strength I had tried so hard to build up came careening down. With my youth and gawkish demeanor, it only took one second to become a target. I expected it, of course; but expecting and experiencing are two completely different things. Jeering, cursing, and catcalls abounded. I tried drawing into myself as I was lead to my cell. I won’t deny it. I was absolutely terrified. 

I was placed in a maximum security ward with those whose crimes were considered the most heinous in nature. I had later learned that while I was technically convicted of murder, it only being of fourth degree, I was supposed to be put in a ward with other people of lighter offenses. However, as the Luck of the Ed would have it, there was some mistake made. It was corrected, of course, but not before the experience left it’s mark. 

 

“Processing out.” 

Finally, my time had come to a close. Funny as it may sound, I couldn’t bring myself to be excited or even remotely happy about it. What was there to be happy about, really? 

I was given some clothing, sweatpants and a t-shirt, to wear; both far too big on my frame. I was slightly thankful, however, since I arrived in nothing but a bathrobe and I was afraid I would have to leave in it. Slightly. Mostly, I didn’t care. I was lead back to intake to have my items returned to me (not that I had much). It was the same guard as before, and he seemed equally as disinterested in my situation as the first time I’d seen him as he presented a foot locker and promptly named everything it contained. Nothing too fancy: my hat, my label gun and various other items that I kept inside of my hat, and the Kankers’ fathers’ bathrobe. ‘Are they serious…?’ 

Afterwards, I was sat down and told the conditions of my release. Since I’d been cooperative and non-disruptive during my stay (save for one…incident), I was allowed to leave for good behavior after completing 13 of my 18 month sentence, with conditions, of course. Something they referred to as a “split sentence”. The latter of my time would be spent on parole. I sat silent and still as the officer prattled on about the conditions of my parole and programs I could attend to better help the transition of going back out into society. I was barely listening.

Nothing of what he was saying made any difference to me. I had my own plans for my release, and it would make everything he was telling me void. 

Finally, he finished and I was escorted outside. Upon arrival, I wasn’t surprised to see Mother and Father waiting for me. 

Actually, that’s false. 

I knew one of them had to come and pick me up, but I hadn’t expected BOTH of them to be here. I also didn’t expect the hug I received from Mother. Mind you, Mother had always been more affectionate than Father was, but hugs were never done in public. I didn’t hug her back, however; just stood there mostly. Her affection meant little to me, for the only thing on my mind was carrying out my plan. I chanced a glance behind her.

And I knew I couldn’t…

I arrived home and found dinner waiting. I got my second surprise when once again, both of my parents sat down for a family meal. It was something that usually only happened during holidays or birthdays, and even those got more rare as the years went by. It felt a bit strange with all us sitting around a table: me, Mother, Father, and Ed, who they had not only invited to ride with them to pick me up, but also to spend the night. I was thankful. As much as I loved my parents, this whole situation was more than a little bizarre, and, to be perfectly honest….I didn’t really want to be around them at all. 

Ed was strange, however. On the ride home, he had been just as quiet as I, only speaking to answer an occasional forced question from my parents. Besides that, he had just held my hand and remained silent. I was grateful for it for, as harsh as it sounds, I was in no mood to deal with his random, nonsensical banter. Once the initial feeling of being released had gone, I noticed another oddity about him. That was that I didn’t mind our close proximity because for once in all the years I’ve known him, I wasn’t bombarded by the abhorrent odor that usually accompanied his presence. He didn’t exactly smell good, but it smelled as if he at least tried to get himself somewhat clean. When I questioned him about it, he had said that his therapist told him that it was rude to be around other people smelling bad. Huh. To think all this time it had been that simple…

Dinner was painfully awkward. Between the long silences, Mother and Father (Mother especially) had tried to fill the time with small talk, something that none of us were used to. They asked about how I was feeling, commented (excessively) on how glad they were that I was home, and occasionally addressed Ed with questions, to which he gave surprisingly short responses to. I could tell they were trying to be supportive and behave normally….or at least how we assumed normal families behaved. I should have been touched by the fact, but rather, I found that I was just irritated at their attempts.

Prison never came up. I got the feeling they were intentionally avoiding the subject, though I wasn’t sure whether it was for my sake or their own. Just like I never knew if my hat was….

School came up; it was the most natural sounding conversation I noted. School had already started not too long ago, but my teachers had offered to try to help get me back into the swing of things by doing a few placement tests so that I could continue where I left off. Mother and Father wanted to know if I wanted to do that or just wait and start the next semester or year.

“Why put it off any longer than it needs to be?” 

It came out with more…bite than I intended, but, I had hoped Mother and Father hadn’t noticed. They didn’t seem to. 

Father seemed pleased with my decision if his simple, “Good,” was anything to go by, but Mother seemed a bit uncertain and asked me if I was sure I didn’t need more time. Time for what exactly, I wasn’t sure, but I assured her I didn’t. So, she conceded. 

Honestly, I didn’t see the point of returning to school at all. My future was shot along with May, Marie, and Lee. I wasn’t naive. I knew that with this prison sentence on my record, any future job prospects I had were gone. I don’t even think college is possible at this point. But I knew quitting school wasn’t an option, and if I was forced to go, being left back was a horrible prospect. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t a big enough outcast, now even more so with this Kanker debacle, which was being heavily covered by the media. 

After the talk, there was another bout of silence that clung to the air. Finally, Mother cleared her throat. 

“I have a surprise for you, Eddward,” she said. I looked up at her, but didn’t say anything. She was smiling softly. She looked at me expectantly, I suppose waiting for me to respond with an inquiry of what it was. I didn’t. 

So, she continued on her own. “I..,” a clear of her throat, “I’ve….decided that I’m going to quit my job and stay at home with you.”

I stare at her, bewildered. I was absolutely befuddled, and I spoke. “W- why?!”  
Mother looked a bit taken aback for a second, but recovered just as quickly. “Well,” she said slowly, “since you’ve just been through a traumatic experience, as your mother, I feel it is only prop-”

“You don’t have to do that,” I interrupted. 

Her smile faltered a bit and I saw something else flash across her face. “I know, Eddward, but I….I want to.” She smiled again. I just sat there, dumbly, trying to process what I was being told. 

I didn’t like that. I didn’t like it one bit. 

 

After dinner, Ed and I retire to my bedroom. When I open my door, I look around, noting that everything remained exactly as I’d left it, including the labels.  
My first couple of months in prison were very nearly unbearable. Sleeping in an unlabeled environment had always made me anxious, but with all the added stress that prison gave, I needed them then more than I ever had in my life. I had suffered many panic attacks, which were either ignored or laughed at by the other inmates and the guards alike. Perhaps they thought I was faking or merely overreacting. More than likely, they were just terrible people.

I snapped out of my thoughts and went to put on some entertainment for Ed. Mother had moved the tv from the garage to my room, presumably since I had company. Even though it was more my parents’ opinion than anything, I still didn’t watch much television outside of being with Ed and Eddy, lest it was a documentary or something else educational. I flipped through the channels until I saw some ridiculous sci-fi film that I thought Ed would enjoy. I turned to join him on the bed only to find him staring somewhat absently at the screen, expressionless. He gave a small smile in thanks at the choice in program, but I felt ill. 

So far, my release from prison had been jarring, to say the least. Mother and Father were strange, but Ed was the strangest. And though I wasn’t really in the mood for any nonsense, some semblance of normalcy would’ve been welcome.  
I went to join Ed on the bed. He did nothing but lay his head on my lap, staring at the screen. I just pat his head absently. Mother came in some time later, and we still hadn’t moved, even though the movie had went off. She asked us if we needed anything. I responded in the negative without sparing her a glance. 

That night, I slept restlessly. I had thought that being back in the comforts of my own environment would settle that problem, but no such luck. I dreamt suffocating, depressing dreams of being confined and being smothered by cruelty.  
I awoke with a start. I was nearly soaking wet from cold sweat. I quietly tiptoed out of the room so as not to wake Ed, and went to my bathroom to wash up a bit.  
When I came back to my room, I noticed Ed was sitting up in the darkness. I switched on the light. Ed had his legs drawn up and his arms wrapped around them, staring straight ahead. 

“Ed?”

He didn’t respond, so I walked over to him and knelt down next to him. He hadn’t moved. Cautiously, I put my hand on his shoulder, fearing he might be asleep and I didn’t want to startle him. He responds by turning his head to look at me. He has a look of deep sadness on his face. I smile at him, though it feels strained even to me.

“Did you have a bad dream, Ed?” His eyes drop. 

“I dunno.” he replied. He then looked up to me again. “Did you have a bad dream, Double Dee?”

“Why do you ask, Ed?”

“You were crying in your sleep…” He looked away from me as his voice trailed off, and I could feel my face drop. I hadn’t realized I’d been so vocal. “Yes…” I answer, but then quickly add, “But, they’re only dreams, Ed. They can’t hurt us.” I smile back at him, and he just nods his head slowly, looking as if his mind was still somewhere else. I sat there for a moment, trying to figure out what had my usually carefree friend so preoccupied.

“….Ed-”

“Double Dee?” he asks before I can finish. I ask him what it was. “….why did Eddy lie to us?”

I start slightly. “What- what do you mean, Ed?” His head turns to meet my eyes again.

“He said that everything would be alright if we did what he said.”

I stare at Ed. I didn’t know what to say to that. It had never crossed my mind that the usually dunderheaded oaf would give this so much thought.

“He- he didn’t lie to us. We are alright.” 

“But, Eddy’s going to die, Double Dee!” his eyes grew wild. 

“….yes, Ed, but-”

“How can we be ok with no Eddy, Double Dee?! He’s going to die and then it will just be you and me!” His words were tearing me apart. Each word felt like a blow to my heart. 

“Ed…”

“We won’t be three anymore!” Ed started to cry and I closed my eyes, trying to contain my own tears.

“Ed, please…” 

He grabbed me, becoming hysterical. “We’ll be like Snap, Crackle, and no Pop! Lock, Shock, and no Barrel! I don’t want Eddy to die, Double Dee! I don’t want him-”

“ED! SHUT UP!”

When I opened my eyes, Ed was staring at me in shock. He looked a little afraid of my outburst, and I instantly felt horrible. I hugged him.

“Oh Ed, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” I cry into his shoulder. He pats my back and tells me that it’s ok. I looked at him dead in the eye then. 

“You’re right, Ed. Eddy did lie to us.” Ed’s tear-rimmed eyes looked a bit stunned. I probably shouldn’t have said it, but I didn’t feel like lying. “Things aren’t ok. And they never will be again.” Ed looked as if he was trying to process what I was saying. 

“We’re just going to have to make the best of it, I suppose,” I say as I pat his shoulder. He started crying again and wrapped his arms around my waist.  
“I’m sorry, Double Dee! I’m sorry!”

I patted his head and back. “It’s not your fault, Ed,” I whispered. It really wasn’t. After all, Eddy was the one who had lied… 

A soft knock was heard on my door. “Eddward. Is everything alright?” It was mother. 

“Everything is fine, Mother.”

“Are you sure? D- do you boys need anything?”

“No.” 

I heard silence, and then the sound of mother’s receding footsteps. I patted Ed’s back and told him that we should get back to bed. I let him sleep on my bed since he was upset and somewhat clean for once in his life. I didn’t really mind either way. I felt drained of all of my energy and went back to sleep almost instantly. I didn’t dream of prison or the events that lead to it like before, but of something much worse.

I dreamt of Eddy. 

 

The next day, I awoke at around 9 am, which was extremely late for me. As school had already started and it was a Wednesday, Ed was already gone when I got up. I walked downstairs to make myself a light breakfast. When I get there, I am momentarily surprised to see mother there, cleaning the counters. I had forgotten her declaration just the night before of quitting her job. She looked up when she noticed I had entered. 

“Good morning, Eddward,” she greeted with a smile.

“Good morning, Mother,” I reciprocated out of habit while I made my way inside. I didn’t really pay her any mind. 

“Would you like me to make you breakfast?” She seemed so overly cheery to me.

“No, mother.”

“Are you sure? I don’t min-” I turned to look at her then.

“Mother, I am perfectly capable of making my own meals. I’ve been doing so since I was five, after all.” It sounded bitter, even to me. 

Mother, for her part, looked taken aback, but didn’t react angrily like I thought she would. Instead, she just cleared her throat and muttered a small, “Ok….well, let me know if you need anything.” She then left to do I don’t know and didn’t care; to clean more, I presume. 

I returned to my task of getting myself fed, though I felt a bit of shock at my own actions. 

That would be only the first of many resentful interactions with my parents. I ate my breakfast in silence, only vaguely noticing Mother moving frantically about the house. 

 

I would’ve never thought that I would ever dread school, but I did. And when the time finally arrived, I felt such an abhorrence to going that I actually considered skipping all together. It only took a few weeks to get everything arranged so that I could go back, and the teachers seemed overjoyed at my return. I didn’t share their sentiments, however. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them….though, I honestly didn’t at the time. They were all supportive and let me know that if I needed help, they’d be more than happy to oblige. They also offered their apologies at my having to experience incarceration. 

No doubt they all blamed Eddy for everything that happened. He didn’t have the best reputation with the school faculty, and I had more than once heard a teacher or two remark that he would probably end up in jail. I imagined those particular teachers laughing at how right they were, and it just made that familiar sick feeling boil inside me.

I had requested most of my classes to coordinate with Ed’s, rather than taking AP classes like everyone thought I should. I originally planned to take advance placement for the remainder of my high school career, but decided against it. Ed needed me. As such, Mother had dropped Ed and I off together on my first day back. (It was unnecessary, as we could’ve simply walked or taken the bus, but she insisted.) 

Even though it had been a couple of weeks, Ed still wasn’t himself. He was still quiet and when we got to school, he stayed close to me and held my hand the majority of the time like a lost child. 

“Hey Double Dee!” Ed and I stop on our way to our first class. I close my eyes and sigh deeply, trying to mentally steel myself for the conversation about to occur. I turn to find Kevin with a crooked half smile on his face. He looked a bit thinner than I had remembered. 

“Uh…he- hey man,” he stutters. I simply stare at him, which doesn’t help his demeanor. In all my years of knowing Kevin, I’d never seen him get tongue-tied or shy, except when Nazz was involved. Now, here he was, buckling. Over me, of all people. I couldn’t help but think of how smug Eddy would be about it if he were here.

The thought only serves to incense me further. 

“Uh…h- hey…” he repeats, and then clears his throat. “I’m uh…I’m glad to see you out, man!” I don’t reply to him. Simply stare. 

He smiles, awkwardly, before it starts to fade. “Um…yeah,” he rubs the back of his neck, then averts his eyes to the floor, “Look, man. I’m really sorry about everything that happened. I didn’t mean for it to go down like that. I didn’t think the Kankers would-”

“What DID you think would happen, Kevin?”

He looks back up at me with an eyebrow raised, only to be met with an expression that has him shrink back. He tugs on his sleeve a bit.

“I’m- I’m sorry, man… I….I just didn’t think…” he starts again, but I spare him having to come up with a cockamamie excuse.

“No. You didn’t. But when do you ever?” I turned then, effectively ending the exchange. Ed, who had been watching with a blank expression, simply grabbed my hand again. We both walked to class silently. 

When we get to class, I sit down in the back row in the last chair, something Eddy would usually do, though for different reasons. While Eddy would hope to go to sleep undisturbed, I simply did not want to be among my peers. Ed wordlessly took a seat next to me. When the teacher began with his lesson, I found myself unable to concentrate. I tried my hardest and even tried to take notes on what was being said. But, no matter what, I just couldn’t seem to follow what was being taught, and gave up trying. I spent the rest of the period with my head down. I just felt so lethargic. Granted, I had felt that way since returning home, but I honestly felt like school would be the thing I needed to put everything back into place; to make me feel normal again. However, it would seem that just like with everything else lately, it would take time. 

The same was true for my remaining classes. No matter the subject, or teacher, I couldn’t focus. It all seemed so pointless. I used to scold Eddy for saying things like that, but all of it seemed so monotonous, uninteresting, and, most of all, worthless. I had no future anymore, so what was the point in even being there? Again, I thought on Eddy’s thoughts about school and wondered if the reason he had those feelings were the same reasons I was having them now, and I felt a bit guilty at having scolded him and not seeing through his talk. 

At lunch, Ed and I sat at a table alone. I noticed that people seemed to be looking at me, gossiping and judging no doubt. They would swiftly divert their attention elsewhere when they saw I was looking. This had always happened, mind you, even before I moved to Peach Creek. However, now they weren’t turning away because they simply didn’t want to be caught gossiping. They were actually frightened…just like in my old town. There was no telling what was being circulated about the events that transpired and I’m positive at least some details had gotten skewed. The media couldn’t even portray the events correctly, so I didn’t expect a bunch of high school students to. But, I also found that wasn’t concerned with them, even though I felt I should be. 

“H-….hey, Ed… hey, Double Dee…” I looked up toward the soft voice that had suddenly spoken. It was Jonny, and he looked….absolutely terrible. “Ed, i-….is it ok if I sit here like always?” 

Ed remained quiet, but looked at me as if asking for my permission. I honestly didn’t want Jonny to be there. Back at the “party”, in the basement, Jonny had looked absolutely horrified at what was happening to Ed and I. At the trial, he had revealed that Eddy was actually his intended target. I wondered if he would’ve felt as much sympathy for us if Eddy had been with us as planned. Honestly, there’s no way to ever to know; Jonny’s behavior was always so sporadic. He had looked almost in pain when it was just Ed and I being punished, but he wasn’t guiltless. He still hadn’t tried to stop anyone.

I looked Jonny over as all of this was turning in my head, and decided I didn’t care enough to protest. And anyway, Ed seemed so distant to everyone else, but he was fine with Jonny. I nod my head and he sat down. I could only guess that Ed and Jonny had made peace while I was still incarcerated. 

We all sat there in silence. I glanced upon Jonny. He tremored slightly and his eyes were glued to his plate. His hand was seemingly frozen above his food as if choosing what he was about to eat was a life or death situation. He finally dropped his hand in defeat, his eyes never leaving his plate. I all but shrugged it off and returned to trying to stomach down my own lunch. 

“I wanted to hurt Eddy!” I looked up at Jonny’s sudden outburst with my eyebrows creased, only to find him staring directly at me. “I wanted to hurt Eddy. I know it was bad….and I can’t blame Plank for it. He was the reason behind it, but I did it myself. I know you’ll probably never forgive me…I wouldn’t blame ya if ya didn’t…but I am sorry.” 

I stare at Jonny in bewilderment. I honestly was growing tired of hearing everyone’s ineffectual feelings of remorse, but…maybe it was his open bluntness and admission of his guilt that caused me to nod my head. It wasn’t in forgiveness, mind you, and I think Jonny knew that.

After lunch, we all headed for our next class. Jonny had simply thrown away his plate and rushed on to his next class with his shoulders hunched. He hadn’t touched his food. On the way, I once again hear someone’s voice. 

“Hey! Double Dee!” I hear Jimmy call to me. I ignore him, however, and keep on my way. I hear him call me again, as well as a quickening of his steps signaling running. Apparently, he thought I didn’t hear him. I stop, and I can feel how sour my face must appear. Jimmy was the last person I wanted to see. I blamed him largely for the events of that night, as it was he who decided to get Marie and her sisters involved. I turn to face him. He’s smiling, though it falters immediately upon seeing my face. 

“…Double Dee…I’m so-”

“Stop!” Jimmy looked a tad shocked at my sudden outburst, but I had had enough! That ill feeling I had finally bubbled to the surface.

Rage.

“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?! Do tell me, Jimmy, is sorry going to take back you all deceiving Ed and I? Making us believe that you wanted to make peace simply so you could humiliate us? Is it going to take back you handing us over to be r-…violated by those sadistic Kanker sisters?! Is…” I felt myself tearing up. “Is your sorry going to bring Eddy back? Stop him from dying? Is it, Jimmy?! ….Answer me!”

I locked my gaze with his. He could do nothing, but stare back at me with watery eyes. I hear a gasp escape him. 

“Don’t you DARE, Jimmy! Don’t you dare!” To think he has the gall to cry over this situation he caused! “You don’t have any right to cry after what you’ve done! I don’t want your inconsequential apologies! NONE of you!” I screamed as I turned to face the group of my classmates and neighbors that had formed around us, startling them all. “All you’ve ever done is treat us as parasites! Demean us and cause us physical harm! Well you all got your wish! Eddy…Eddy is NEVER coming back! You should be very satisfied with yourselves! We Eds are finished! Broken! Just…!” I sigh, suddenly feeling so drained. “Just leave me alone…”

With that, I turned away, everyone basically dead to me. Ed looked at me with tears streaming down his face. I knew he wasn’t afraid of me though. No, he was upset because I was upset. I also had a feeling he felt the same way. I looked to the ground and walked to my final class, and once again, he simply followed without saying a word, hesitantly grabbing my hand the further we got from everyone. 

 

The following weeks, things continued on. Ed was still silent and sad, as was I. I still couldn’t concentrate and no longer bothered to try. I thought I had simply needed time to bounce back, but I was starting to believe what I had told Ed in my moment of despair; that it would never happen. But, the kids left us alone for the most part. Jonny didn’t try to sit with us anymore; I never told him he couldn’t, but he probably realized that his presence wasn’t wanted. I probably should’ve invited him back, for he wasn’t doing well at all. 

But, neither was I.

I felt like if one were to take my steel pedal guitar and tighten the strings as much as possible. One stroke would cause it to snap and lash out. I felt as if I was losing my mind! 

More than that, I felt angry. I was angry at all of our neighbors. Angry at my parents for only now deciding to pretend they cared about me. Angry at the Kankers, and their mother. Angry at the so-called justice system. Angry at Ed for not being Ed anymore, even though I didn’t think I could handle the old Ed. And finally, angry at Eddy. 

My! How I hated Eddy! 

I hated him for sleeping with May, Marie, and Lee. Hated him for being so brash and impulsive. Hated him for his nefarious scams that caused everyone to shun us. Hated he and Ed both for befriending me at all; making me forget how awful people were. But, most of all….I hated him for not being here. Why did he have to lie and get himself put on Death Row?! How could he allow this to happen without putting up a fight?! How could he just…go down so quietly instead of trying to smooth talk his way out as he usually did when he was in trouble? Come up with some ridiculous scheme and coax Ed and I into helping him? Why did he just…give up?! WHY?!

I sat on the kitchen floor with my back against the counter, all of this playing in head for the umpteeth time (I had honestly lost count). A couple of pots surrounded me as I was in the process of making dinner before my torturous thoughts just caused me to stop and break down.

Nothing was the same anymore. 

Ed wasn’t Ed. Eddy wasn’t Eddy. I wasn’t myself….and I think that’s the way it will be from now on.

I grabbed my hat in a death grip and pulled it tightly over my head as a sob escaped me.

I just wanted my life back! 

I lay a sobbing mess on the kitchen floor, my trembling body rattling the cabinet, unable to stop myself even if I cared enough to try. Fortunately, Mother was out. Shopping or something similar, and I was alone. I didn’t want to have to deal with her coddling me; acting like some dutiful, loving mother when she and Father really just wanted to be rid of me, and always had.

A small thunk mixed with a tiny clink caught my attention. I turned and looked up at one of the cabinets with one of my parents’ sticky notes attached. Mother had gotten rid of the majority of them when I returned home. Not because they didn’t want to use them anymore, but because Mother being home pretty much rendered them useless. However, there were still a few scattered about, but this one just seemed to ignite something within me. It was a particularly old one…one that had been there since we first moved to our residence on Rethink Ave.

It simply read, “Do not open, Edward. <3 Mom and Dad”. 

’Edward’….

I frown and immediately get up and make my way to the cupboard. I yank it open and am a bit surprised to find a bottle of wine. It was lying on the bottom of the cupboard, probably knocked down my jostling. I stare at it, wondering how long my parents had it lying around, and why. My parents weren’t the drinking type, solidified in the fact that this bottle was perfectly unopened and had a layer of dust on it. So, I wondered why they would have it all. Perhaps they were saving it for a special occasion, or it was a memorandum from a previous special occasion. However, none of this mattered, as a new thought struck me.

I just…wanted to self destruct. Hurt myself. I had planned on doing it once I returned from prison, only to have the thought halted when I saw Ed. However, the thought had still lingered in the back of my mind. 

I knew alcohol was destructive, the numerous pamphlets they had around school was enough proof of that. I had skimmed them once or twice just due to my overcautious nature at wanting my friends to be safe. If the time ever came (which it did only just once), I could effectively warn them of the dangers. But, destruction was what I was looking for. Also, people used alcohol to forget their troubles, right? Perhaps they’re on to something. God, did I ever want to forget…

The sound of a car pulling into the driveway catches my attention. I quickly put away the pots, grab the bottle, close the cabinet, and make my way up to the stairs. When I’m halfway up, I hear the door open.

“Good afternoon, Eddward,” I hear father’s nearly robotic greeting. 

“Good day, Father,” I continue on without looking at him. 

A pause. “Are you well?” he replies as if he just realized he should ask.

“….just fine, Father,” I punctuate each word as my grip on the bottle tightens slightly.

 

I hear a quiet non-committal sound and Father makes his way to the kitchen to make some tea before lying down for a quick sleep before his next shift. His apathy shouldn’t have upset me at this point in my life really, but it did, and made me want to carry this out all the more. 

I go to my room and lock the door. I sit in the middle of my floor and stare at the bottle a bit before remembering that I cast away all inhibitions. I open the bottle (with some difficulty, but a little ingenuity fixes the cork problem without incident) and am hit by the strong smell. I bring the bottle to my lips and take a big gulp, only to nearly immediately regurgitate it back up. I forced myself to swallow however. It burned going down and I started to wonder why anyone would find this drink enjoyable. I kept going though, taking little sips. However, after drinking what I considered to be quite a bit and not feeling any different, save a warmth spreading throughout my body and starting to get drowsy, I decided to start taking larger gulps again, trying my best to ignore the acrid taste and keep it down. 

When I had only about a quarter of the bottle left, I found I had to use the restroom. I stood up from my floor, and almost fell down again as my head spun. I felt very lightheaded and dizzy. As I try to make my way to the door, my world starts tilting sideways and I feel as if I’ll fall over. But, strangely, I’m not remotely alarmed. In fact, I’m quite amused at my disoriented state. I even chuckle a bit.

’So, this is what being drunk is like?’ I giggle. ’It’s quite enjoyable!’

Staggering and using the wall for support in my suddenly funhouse world, I make my way to the bathroom and back. When I reenter my room, I practically melt into my floor in bliss. I had a huge smile on my face and felt so warm and mellow. I briefly wondered if this is what it was like to be Ed…

 

I awoke the next morning feeling as if a heavy cloud was inside my head, and a bit confused as to why I was on my floor instead of my bed. I tried to get up and immediately groaned as all at once I was hit with a pounding headache and a wave of nausea. I held my stomach as the events of last night started to come through the haze of my mind. I couldn’t believe I had done something so reckless and stupid! And now I was paying the price.  
I made my way to my bathroom, tears of pure agony falling down my face. Luckily, it was a weekend so I wouldn’t have to convince my parents to let me stay out of school.  
I spent half of the day in bed and half in the bathroom, vomiting. Of course Mother throwing herself wholeheartedly into her new role as the loving, caring mom had noticed and tried to get me to go the doctor. I convinced her (rather harshly) that I didn’t need a doctor and to just let me rest for the day. She reluctantly relented and went about her usual tasks of cleaning the house. Again, I was a bit surprised at her lack of anger at my hostility. I think she just didn’t quite know how to take my new demeanor.  
As I lay in my bed, trying my hardest not to cry and failing, I vowed that I would never do anything so stupid again. Of course I would feel sad and out of control and would have to find some way to let out those aggressive feelings, but it most certainly would not be THIS. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, afterall…

I look on at myself, my hand absently running across my midsection. I’d always been on the thin side, but it’s now gotten to a point where it’s unhealthy. I barely pay it any mind, though. It can’t be helped. I don’t eat much these days, and whatever I do eat is usually forced back up. Part of me wonders why I’m even bothering to go grocery shopping, and I briefly debate going at all.

I sigh, grab my coat, scarf, gloves and car keys from their designated, labeled areas, and head out of the door, absently passing by my hat that lay on the living table.


	4. Chapter 3: Weeping Ed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://cyanidefilledcandy.tumblr.com/post/145233398639/the-jaded-chapters-3-4-authors-notes-plus

I didn’t know what to do.  
They were all rolling on the ground, fighting. Screaming. Double Dee and Eddy yelled at me to help, but I didn’t know what to do!  
Then I saw the gun lying on the floor. I picked it up.  
And I shot.  
Everyone turned and looked at me. I had the gun pointed at them. Then Marie fell. Lee looked shocked. May looked like she wanted to cry and opened her mouth, but I shot the gun twice at her and then twice at Lee.  
Ring round the rosie.  
Double Dee looks at me and then walks up to me, stepping over the bodies. He goes slowly, like he’s a bit scared to come near me. I don’t put the gun down. I can’t. I’m frozen. I just stare at the dead bodies of the Kankers. Double Dee grabs my arm and puts it down. I look at him. He stares at me for a minute and then hugs me close. I hug him back. We don’t say anything.  
Eddy moans, and me and Double Dee look back at him. He’s hurt! Those stupid Kankers stabbed him! Me and Double Dee go over to help him up.  
“Are you ok, Eddy?” Double Dee asks quietly.  
Eddy looks in front of him a bit at the bodies. He looks dizzy.  
“…home,” he says. He sounds so tired. “I want to go home…”  
Double Dee and I nod. I pick him up and we walk to his house, not saying a word. 

When we got to Eddy’s house, none of us said anything still. Me and Double Dee just looked at Eddy. He was just laying there on his bed, breathing really hard. I looked at his pants and saw the blood staining them. After a while, Eddy started to get up. He toppled over, but me and Double Dee caught him before he fell.  
We hugged each other, but still didn’t say anything. We all held each other tightly. So many thoughts went through my head. About everything we went through that day; about everything we went through forever. About how everyone, Kevin, Sarah…even Mommy treated us so bad. I looked at my friends and realized that they were all I had. It was only us. We three Eds.  
I started to cry, and I said what was on my mind.  
“….I love you guys.”  
Double Dee looked at me. “I love you too, Ed.” he said. He was crying. “You too, Eddy.”  
“Ed…Double Dee…” Eddy started to cry too. “You guys are everything to me.”  
We all smiled and held each other.  
I heard alarms; getting closer.  
And then closer.  
Even closer. Until they were right outside.  
Then banging. But we didn’t care.  
They knocked Eddy’s door down and threw us to the ground. They handcuffed us and put us all in different cars.  
When we got to the police station, everything hit me at once. I felt like a house had been dropped on my head. Everyone was our friend; then they made fun of us. Then the Kankers helped us; then they tried to hurt us (…I think). Then Eddy saved us; then the Kankers had a gun; then Eddy got stabbed. ….then I had the gun; and the Kankers were now dead…  
I killed them…  
I killed them…  
I killed them.

Eddy told us he would make it better. That things would be ok; we just had to do what he said. I had always listened to Eddy, and we were always ok before, right?  
Then we went to court. They asked us so many questions. Some of them yelled at us. They made Double Dee cry. I didn’t understand a lot of what was being said. I didn’t understand anything really. I didn’t understand why everyone hurt me and Double Dee. I didn’t understand why the Kankers wanted to hurt us. I didn’t understand why we were in trouble. The good guys never got in trouble when they killed the bad guys in the comics and movies. So why were we? But me and Double Dee did what Eddy told us to. We told them that he was the one who killed the Kanker sisters. Not me.  
Then we got to the verdict. The judge called my name first. He said a bunch of stuff I only caught bits of, but when he was done, Double Dee squeezed my hand and looked up at me. He was smiling, but he still looked sad. Our lawyer whispered to me that I wasn’t in trouble. I smiled. Maybe things would work out after all! Good always triumphs over evil!  
Then they called Double Dee’s name. He said a bunch of stuff….something about it being cold for 18 months? Double Dee looked down and started crying. Then they called Eddy… I still couldn’t understand much, but one word I could understand perfectly.

Death.

They walked us out of the courtroom and took the handcuffs off of me. The lawyer walked me to my parents. Sarah was crying. Mom looked mad. And Dad…I couldn’t really tell how he looked. But, it didn’t matter. I turned around and Double Dee and Eddy were still handcuffed and they were walking them outside. I walked after them.  
I walked, then I ran. I heard someone calling me, but I didn’t care!  
Out of the door, I ran. So many lights were flashing in my face and people were all around me, shouting. I felt like I was in the Zone of Lost Souls from It Came From the Beyond 3. But, I pushed past them. I had to get to my friends. I felt someone grab me. They were saying something and I realized it was Dad. But, I kept trying to go. I screamed out to Double Dee and Eddy. Then, I felt more people grab me and then I could barely move.  
Why are they doing this?! Why are they taking my close friends away?! Why are we being punished?! Why is everyone holding me back from saving them?!  
They start putting Eddy and Double Dee in the police cars. I try even harder to get to them. Why is everyone trying to stop me?! Why won’t they let me save them?! Don’t they understand?! They’re going to KILL Eddy!  
The cars drive off, and I finally stop fighting.

….why does everyone hate us?

“Come on, Ed…” I hear Dad whisper to me. Then I heard Mom huff and felt myself being rushed to the car. My body feels light. Like I don’t weigh anything, so I just let them take me.  
When we get in the car, mom starts yelling. I think she was mad at me, but I don’t know why. But for the first time ever, I don’t care. I just stare out of the window.  
When we get home, I go straight to my room. Sarah stops me. I look at her and she backs off. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t even want to see her. So, I go to my room and just sit on my bed. I don’t move. I feel like No Body Man. I feel like nothing is real right now. Like I’m not really here. Nothing makes sense. But, I feel like I can barely think at all. I think someone came in, but I don’t care.  
I look over at a pile of stuff sitting next my bed. I see something white sticking out from the middle of it. I reach over and pull it out, making the stuff spill everywhere. I look at it. It’s a picture of me, Eddy and Double Dee at Eddy’s 13th birthday party. It was just us three in the picture, but it had just been us three at the party. I didn’t care though. Parties were always fun…or at least I used to think that. I just sat there staring at us and start to cry. I don’t move for a really long time. Looking at the picture, I know that we would never be three again.  
I hug the picture to me and lay down on my bed. I feel cold.  
I woke up in the middle of the night, the picture still in my hand. I thought I had heard a noise. I looked around my room and didn’t see anything. I got up to look around and walked as far as my door, but I still didn’t see anything. Then I turned around and it happened for the first time.  
I stayed in my room for the rest of the week. Mom came in a couple of times and yelled at me. She said I needed to eat, but I just didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to eat anything either really. Besides if I got hungry, I could always find something in my room to eat.  
When school started back, I still didn’t want to see anyone. But, I felt so alone too. At lunch, Nazz and Rolf tried to get me to sit with them. I just walked away and sat with me. I didn’t want to sit with any of them. I was….scared.  
Rolf and Nazz were nice and acted like they wanted to be friends, but so did everyone else. Then they yelled and made fun of us… I didn’t want that to happen again. Plus, I was by myself and I didn’t know if I could deal with that alone. ….I didn’t know if I could deal with being alone at all.  
So, I would just walk to school, go to class and try to learn (it was so hard though…), eat my lunch by myself, and then go back home again.  
A couple of times, Rolf let me come by his farm to play with his chickens and other animals. Even though I was a bit scared, I liked going over there. Rolf usually did work while I was there, so it was just me and my little furry friends. I liked having someone to talk to again, and the animals didn’t hate me like everyone at home did.  
One day on the way home, I heard a voice behind me.  
“H- hey, Ed…” I turned around and looked at Jonny, but I didn’t say anything. “Um…d- do you want to come to my house? Just to hang out…or something?” It seemed like he couldn’t look at me. He looked like he was scared of something. “I mean…I understand if ya don’t want to, but….if…I mean…you can come….if you want…”  
I thought about it for a minute.  
“Ok, Jonny,” I answer.  
He just said, “ok” and we walked to his house. Neither of us said anything on the way.  
When we got there, Jonny turned on The Beatles and just sat down on the floor. He had his knees to his chest. I just looked at him. Jonny looked so bad lately. He didn’t talk to anyone at school and he always looked nervous like everyone around him was a monster. He finally looked at me….sorta…  
“Are you lonely, Ed?”  
“Huh?”  
“Are you lonely? ….without Eddy and Double Dee I mean…”  
I felt bad as I thought about my pals. “Yeah…” Jonny just nods at me.  
“I’m lonely too…without Plank.”  
“Is he still lost?”  
“Y- yeah…. But even if he wasn’t, I…I can’t be friends with him anymore.” He looks really sad again. “He…he didn’t make me do what I did, but…Plank….Plank made me do bad things sometimes….a lot of times. ‘Specially to you guys…And…he was happy about what I did to you and Double Dee. I…I can’t be friends with him anymore” he starts crying a little bit. “But, I’m so alone…”  
Jonny’s words tumbled around in my head.  
“….I miss Plank too…,” says I.  
Jonny raises his eyebrow at me. “W- why, Ed? I mean….why would you miss Plank when he was such a meanie?”  
I think about Plank….and I think back to the good ol’ days. Those summers when me, Eddy, and Double Dee would hang out and do scams and watch monster movie marathons and make giant pancakes and…  
“….he reminds me of happy times…”  
Jonny looked like he was thinking and then he nodded and said “Yeah…I know what you mean…”

I smiled at Jonny. He smiled back. We hung out until dark, but then I had to go home before Mom got mad. As I was leaving, Jonny stopped me.  
“Uhm…you can come here whenever you want, Ed. If you ever feel lonely or…want to hang out or something.” He laughs a little as he holds on to the door, almost like he’s hiding behind it from something outside. “It’s fun to hang with you, and I don’t feel so alone.” I smile at him.  
“Thanks, Jonny.”

 

“Do you understand, Ed?”  
I look up from my drawing to look at the woman sitting in the desk in front of me. “What?” says I. Mom groans and holds her head. I think she has a headache.  
The doctor just smiles at me. She’s really nice. I like her. “I was saying that your friend hurt those three girls. They won’t be able to live their lives. They’ll never get to grow up, or get married, or have kids. Also, their mother is sad and alone now. That’s why your friends had to go to jail. Because you have to be punished when you do bad things.”  
I thought about it. “But…the Kankers did bad stuff.”  
“But that doesn’t mean you’re supposed to kill them.”  
“But, they’re going to kill Eddy…he won’t have the chance to grow up either!”  
“Ugh! It’s not the same, Edward!” Mom yells at me.  
The doctor tries to talk, but I turned and asked mom how. She just rolled her eyes at me.  
“Can we get on with this?” Mom said and looked at her watch.  
“I’m sorry, are you in a hurry?” the doctor asked.  
“Yes. I DO have another child. One who is expecting me to be at her ballet recital.”  
“Well, if you need to leave, you can always go and come back and pick Ed up.”  
I thought she would like that, but Mommy didn’t look happy with what she said. “Why? So you can write down what a horrible mother I am?”  
“Don’t be silly. We have plenty of parents drop their kids off and pick them up later.”  
Mom just laughs, but she doesn’t smile. “How much longer are we going to have to do this?”  
“Well, your session is over in-”  
“No,” Mom says. “How much longer are we going to have to do THIS? Coming here.”  
The doctor looks like she doesn’t understand Mom. “Are you not satisfied with your son’s therapy?”  
“Satisfied?!” Mom scoffs and rolls her eyes. “I thought this place was supposed to help him start behaving normally. What are you DOING exactly besides telling him things that I’ve been telling him for years?! Have you made him any smarter? Have you stopped him from eating literally everything in sight? Have you stopped him drawing like he’s a goddamned psychopath?!” She snatches my paper from me as I’m still drawing. “For God’s sake, LOOK at this!”  
My therapist looks at the paper and then at me.  
“Ed,” she asks. “Can you tell me what this is?”  
I feel bad all of a sudden. I didn’t mean to draw anything bad. It was just a picture of the seven-toed half-man~half prune from “Attack of the Genetically Modified Fruitpeople From Planet Hollaindaise”. I told her this.  
Mom rolled her eyes again. “And he draws stuff like this ALL of the time. THIS is actually tame.”  
The therapist nods and asks me if I’ve ever talked to him. I told her no. ….he wasn’t real, afterall.  
She just nods. “This is actually really good, Edward.”  
I smile at her, but mom groans. The doctor then turns back to Mom.  
“You said he eats everything in sight. Do you think he has an eating disorder or-”  
“Well, he has SOMETHING!” Mom says. “When I say eating everything in sight, I do mean everything. Dog treats. Pencils. Plastic. Hell! He’s even tried to eat bricks a couple of times!”  
The doctor stares at mom for a minute and then writes something down in her notebook. “I see… Well, it’s definitely something we’ll look more into in the future.”  
“Fantastic!” mommy throws her hands up. “Can I go now?” The doctor nods and mom stands straight up.  
“Let’s go, Edward,” she says as she walks out of the door.  
I get up. I feel sad. I really like my therapist and I wanted her to like me too, but I guess I’m just a bad Ed…  
“I’ll see you later, Edward.” I looked up at her and she was smiling. She handed me my drawing back. “It really is REALLY good. You’re very talented!”  
I smile at her and then run to catch up with Mommy.  
I’m glad she doesn’t hate me too.

The next couple of times I see the therapist, Mom really does leave me and takes Sarah to practice. While I was there, she let me draw some more and she asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. Eddy always said he had plans to be a “big shot” and I always helped Eddy with his plans (even though I don’t think Mommy would like me playing with guns). I told my therapist this and she looked sad for a minute. She told me again that Eddy was in jail and I said I knew that and just kept on drawing. It made me feel really bad when I thought about it…so I tried not to, even though most of the time it didn’t work. She asked me if I had any other plans and I told her no. She then asked me about school, what it was like living at home, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I always had to rush out though. Mommy got upset when I stayed longer than I was supposed to. She didn’t seem to like going there or like my doctor, even though she was nice.  
One day when she came, the doctor stopped her and handed her a piece of paper. Mom looked at it then looked at the doctor with such a mean look I think it even made her scared. I thought she was going to start yelling, but she narrowed her eyes and whispered, “You are so lucky that it’s court ordered that we come here…” She then turned around and told me in a soft, but scary voice to hurry up to the car. When we got there and started driving away, Mom took one more look at the paper and then balled it up. She then looked at me with that really scary look that always makes me feel like she wishes I was dead. (Sometimes, I think she does.) She said “Well, aren’t you special?” and threw the paper at me. It didn’t hurt, but I wondered what I did wrong this time. I wondered what was on the paper, but I didn’t look because I didn’t want to make Mom any more upset.  
One weird day, Dad walked up to get me when I was at the check out window with the therapist. He looked bored and tired like he always did.  
“Is he done?” Dad says to the doctor.  
“Um…yes he is. Are you the father?”  
“Yes. Ed, let’s go. Your mother’s at Sarah’s ballet thing. She’s already….sad that we aren’t there to support her.” Dad tries to hurry me out, but the therapist tells him to wait. Dad sighs and turns around to her with a “What?” face.  
She hands him a piece of paper. “I mentioned this school to your wife once. I think Ed would really benefit from-”  
“Look, lady. That’s really nice, but we can’t afford to pay for some hoitey-toitey school. Thank you.”  
“Uh- but! Ed might qualify for some scholarships! There ARE ways. Here. This paper has information on it.” I watch them as the doctor hands my dad the paper.  
“Great…the wife’ll love this…” Dad sighs again.  
“Well….at least consider it?”  
Dad nods, but doesn’t look like he cares. “Right. Let’s go, Ed.” And then we leave. In the car, Dad looks at the paper again and groans. I thought he would ball it up and throw it at me like Mommy did, but he just stuffs it on the dashboard, then we drive off to watch Sarah dance.

Mommy had a party for Eddy’s mommy. I stayed in my room. I didn’t like parties anymore. Well, I tried to anyway, but Mom came and said that Eddy’s mom wanted to see. I went, even though I didn’t really want to. I liked Eddy’s mom, though, and she liked me.  
When I saw her, I didn’t even want to look at her. I felt so terrible. But, she held out her arms and I just ran over and hugged her. I cried….I wanted her to know how sorry I was. I didn’t want Eddy to die! She just rubbed my back and said that it wasn’t my fault…  
But it was! It was all my fault! If I hadn’t shot the Kankers….  
I just wanted to help…  
And now Eddy was going to die because I messed up.  
I always mess things up…  
I went to bed before everyone left. I just didn’t want to be around everyone. Jimmy, Sarah, and Kevin were there. They made me nervous. And….I was mad at them. They really hurt me and Double Dee, and they wanted to hurt Eddy too.  
I went to bed, holding the picture of me, Eddy, and Double Dee. I held it every night.  
I missed them SO much and I felt like I had a hole in my body. I wish I was there with them.  
I had woke up in the middle of the night and when I opened my eyes, Dad was standing next to the bed staring at me. I jumped up.  
“I didn’t do it!” said I. I didn’t know what Sarah told him I did this time, but she was fibbing!  
Dad just looked at me and sighed. “Shit, Ed…when do you ever do anything?” I didn’t move or say anything. “Relax. I’m just here to talk.”  
“…ok…”  
Dad had never talked to me before. Not like Eddy’s dad talked to him sometimes.  
He sat down at the foot of my bed and just stared at me, holding his face like he was thinking. I just stared at him too. I did not know what to say. Dad scared me a little. Not as much as Mommy, but I still didn’t want to get in trouble. He’s the one that used to punish me when I got in trouble.  
In his other hand he had a bottle of gin. He drank out of it once or twice. After a while, he held it out for me to take. I looked at it and shook my head.  
“Mommy said I’m not supposed to drink beer and stuff.” Dad just kind of rolled his eyes.  
“Well, I’M the one giving it you. She’s not going to know, and if she somehow finds out, I’ll tell her I gave it to you. You’re not going to get in trouble.” He handed the bottle over to me again.  
I took it this time and took a small drink. It burned going down. I think I made a face because Dad started laughing at me before taking the bottle back.  
“Good stuff, eh?” he said and then drank some more himself.  
I stuck my tongue out. “It tastes like the alcohol that’s in the bathroom.” I tried it before and Double Dee yelled at me for doing it. It was kinda funny…  
He just shrugged. “People don’t exactly drink alcohol for the taste, Ed.” He took another drink and then passed it to me. I took another bigger gulp and my head spun a bit and I coughed. I handed it back to Dad. He was back staring at me again. I played with my fingers. This felt weird.  
“Ed, you happy here?” I looked at Dad with confusion. “Here at home I mean… You like being here?”  
I was really surprised… Dad had never asked me that before. No one had ever asked me if I was happy before.  
But, I didn’t want to answer. I looked down and started playing with my fingers again. “I guess…”  
He was quiet, then he sighed. “Look, Ed, you’re not in trouble. You’re not going to get in trouble. You can tell me the truth.”  
'The truth’…  
I didn’t tell the truth about the Kanker sisters and now Eddy was going to die. …..maybe it is better to tell the truth. So I did.  
“….I… I get in trouble a lot…and….everyone hates me…” I looked up at Dad and he’s looking at me. He looked….really sad.  
“Everyone… Does that mean me too? You think I hate you, Ed?”  
I didn’t answer him. He groans and runs her hand across his face.  
“Aww…shit, Ed! I don’t hate you!”  
My eyes grow big (because he doesn’t hate me and he just cursed).  
“You….you don’t?”  
“Fuck no! I…” he shakes his head. “I don’t know… I just…I don’t know what to do with you, you know? You were always just…in your own world; like you were on another planet all the time. And…” he sighed. “After your sister was born, I just…I just kind of disconnected from life in general. ….disconnect. You know what I mean?” he looks at me. I think I know what he means so I nod.  
“I don’t think your sister hates you either.”  
I sniffled a little. “….she said she did. Then at the party, she…”  
“She’s a child, Ed. An angry little vindictive child, but a child none the less, and you can’t take what she says to heart, ok? She’ll grow up.” He put his hand on my shoulder and I just nodded.  
“As for your mom, well…she hates me too sometimes.”  
“Really?” I look at him, surprised. “But why? Why does Mommy hate us so much?”  
He takes another drink and then rubs his head before holding it in his hands again. He then sighs. (He does that a lot.)  
“Your mom is the kind of person where….she wants everything and everyone to fit in this pretty little box,” he moves his hands together in a weird way that I think is supposed to be a box? “And when they don’t, well….she gets mad. You get me?”  
He looks at me again and I nod.  
“She just…wants everything to be this picture perfect situation, and life just isn’t perfect. In fact, it’s pretty damn shitty… I’m sure you know that now…” another drink. “But you can’t hate her for it, ok?”  
It confused me, so I asked Dad, “Why not? Why can she hate us and we can’t hate her?”  
“Cause that’s just how women work, Ed… But, no,” he looks at me. “I don’t hate you.” I listen to everything he tells me, and then I smile.  
“I’m glad you don’t hate me…”  
“Of course I don’t. You’re strange for sure, but you’re a good kid. Hell, your sister’s a good kid too when she’s not screeching all over the house like your mother…” he takes another drink.  
“…..Ed, if you’re unhappy here, you should just leave.” I looked up quickly at him, and he waved his arms and shook his head. “Not saying I WANT you to leave, but…life’s too short and shitty for you to be unhappy. Your therapist mentioned some school or something that could help you. If you’ve got a chance to be happy, you should take it.” I think I remember her saying something about a school the day Dad picked me up, but I wasn’t really paying attention.  
I nod my head slowly and think about it. Then another question pops into the microwave in my brain.  
“Are….are you happy, Dad?”  
Dad stares at the wall a bit before snickering and taking another drink. “Doesn’t matter… My time to be happy is over. I’m alive.” He smiled, but I felt really bad for him.

We spend a big chunk of the night just talking. He told me he had wanted me to run the car lot when I was older and asked if I wanted to learn. I told him no and thought he would be mad, but he just shrugged. He asked me what I liked to do and I told him that I liked to draw. I even showed him some of my pictures. He said they were weird, but he liked them. I always thought he hated them like Mommy did. So, that made me really happy! I started falling asleep and Dad decided to leave. On his way out, I called him.  
“Hey, Dad!” He turns his head to look at me and I smile a little bit. “I’m…..I’m glad you talked to me.” He stared at me for a bit before a cracking a crooked smile of his own.  
“Yeah. Me too. …..it was nice to meet you, Ed.” And then he left. I just look after him trying to figure out what he meant. He met me when I was a baby.  
Dad’s a little weird…

After what seems like forever, Double Dee was finally coming home! And more than that, his mommy and daddy actually said I could ride with them to pick him up and stay the night! I sit in the back of their car, and I can barely breathe. After so many months, I can see my Double Dee again!  
When we got there, though, it felt like all the breathe I had inside of me rushed out.  
Double Dee looked so different now.  
Well, he still looked the same. He was as tall as he was when he left and his face hadn’t changed. He didn’t look beat up or toughened up like a lot of prisoners look when they come home on tv.  
But, he just looked different…  
We hugged each other when he came out, and I grabbed his hand and held it all the way back to his house. We didn’t really say anything to each other on the ride home, at dinner, or even as we watched tv. My mind couldn’t let go of how different Double Dee looked, and even talked. He looked like how I felt. Also, that whole night, I felt like something else was missing. Eddy was missing. I thought a lot about Eddy.  
That night, I heard Double Dee crying in his bed. I knew he was having a nightmare. He woke up and went to the bathroom.  
And it happened again.  
When Double Dee got back, I just had to ask him. Why had Eddy lied to us? He said him saying he killed the Kankers would make everything ok. He promised…  
I started crying. I didn’t want my Eddy to die! Then Double Dee yelled at me. I knew he was sorry, so I forgave him.  
….he then told me nothing was alright. That nothing ever would be alright again. I didn’t know what to say….but I knew he was right. Eddy was gone. Eddy….was going to be killed. And Double Dee was sad. And Ed was sad.  
No…nothing was alright… Why did you lie, Eddy?

When Double Dee finally came back to school, I held his hand the entire day. I just didn’t want him to disappear. I didn’t want him to get hurt. I was just…scared for him and had to protect him.  
Neither he, nor me said anything still. I didn’t feel like talking… I didn’t even know what I could talk about. Double Dee didn’t seem like he wanted to talk either.  
That day, he got SO mad. His dark side came forth and he yelled at everyone. I cried when he did. I didn’t like Double Dee’s dark side. I hate that everyone made him mad enough for it to be summoned. Also….I felt a lot like he did. I was still mad at everyone. I didn’t want to see anyone either. …maybe I have a dark side too?

My therapist and dad brought up me going to that special school again. My therapist said it could give me the proper tools to go far in life. But, I don’t need a measuring stick. Dad said I should do things that made me happy. Mom didn’t want me to go, which really surprised me. She had always said before that she wished I wasn’t there, so I didn’t understand why she didn’t want me to leave. She and Sarah always said how stupid I was and how they didn’t want me around. ….I really did want to go. Maybe it would make them not be so mean. Maybe then they would like me.  
I couldn’t leave, though. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t leave Double Dee.  
But, then he too said I should go. I REALLY didn’t want to leave Double Dee alone… But, he told me that he’d be alright. That it would be the smart thing to do, and Double Dee’s super smart and right about everything. So, I said I would go.  
The day I left, Double Dee was there with me. We gave each other a big hug. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted him to go with me, but they said it was only for special people. (Who’s more special than Double Dee, though?) He again told me he’d be alright though and that I could call him whenever I wanted to check on him.  
Mom REALLY didn’t want me to leave. She tried really hard to stop me. She yelled and grabbed me. I didn’t understand her… And I couldn’t look at her, which only made her scream more. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know if I was sad, or mad, or happy, or what? So I ended up being nothing. Then she started crying and saying weird stuff. When she got done, she spoke to me again, and she said something I knew she would say.  
“Fine. If you think you’ll be better off without us, then go. But, if you do, you’re not welcome back. Ever.”  
I stopped for a minute. I never wanted to leave forever, but….I really didn’t want to live there anymore. Never have, to be truthful. I open the car door and step inside. Before I close the door, Sarah stops me. I hold the door open, but I don’t look at her either. She asks me something. I thought hard about it, then I looked her in the eyes….and I told her the truth. I closed the door and then I was off.

*YAWN*  
I wake up and stretch my arms and back. As I do, some comics and all of the drawings I had on and around me fall down and some of it spills to the floor. I scratch my head and walk to the bathroom to start my day.  
Today I needed to get everything ready. I have a big day in a couple of days! I’m going to see my baby sister!  
It’s been so long… I’m kinda nervous.  
I go to the kitchen and make myself my favorite breakfast. Buttered toast with gravy. Yum. ….oh! And some eggs. (Double Dee said if I “insist on eating such insufficient meals”, that I should eat something else with it.).  
After I eat, I head to the bathroom to get ready. I stare at my shower. I still REALLY didn’t like them and a lot of times I skipped them (sssh…don’t tell my doctor or Double Dee!), but I should probably do it. *sigh* A dirty mouse never paints a barn, I guess. I try to go as quickly as I can though. At least the soap Double Dee bought me doesn’t smell all frilly.  
I walk to my sink and and use a little mouthwash instead of brushing. Toothpaste is gross. I look at my dripping hair and then at the comb. …..nah. It’s fine. I start walking to the other roo- I should probably put on clothes first.  
I walk to the other room and glance inside. I need to chase the dust bunnies away so they don’t make Sarah sneeze. Looking around, I don’t have much to do. The room is already clean…..just like Double Dee left it.

When I finally graduated from college, my therapist helped me find job. She also helped me find an apartment in the city near it. Double Dee had always said he wished he could leave the old neighborhood; he said it was painful for him. So, I invited him to stay with me. He said he would love it.  
I was so excited I wanted to sing a song! I had always wanted to live with my pals like brothers! We still didn’t have an Eddy, but at least Double Dee and I could have fun.  
But Double Dee was always mad…  
He yelled at me a lot. He yelled at me when he had to help me with something I didn’t understand. He yelled at me when I didn’t leave things as clean as he liked it. He yelled at me about my pictures of everyone, even the ones with Eddy. ….ESPECIALLY the ones with Eddy. I tried really hard to do things right, but I just never can.  
….then one day, he got really mad at me. REALLY mad. He yelled at me so much that it looked like he couldn’t even breathe. I felt so bad, scared, and my eyes watered a bit. He reminded me of Mommy.  
Then….he hit me…  
It didn’t hurt my face, but my heart hurt a little bit. I looked at him and he looked like he stopped breathing. Then he started crying. He said he was sorry, and I told him it was ok. He said, no, it wasn’t. He then turned away and said he had to leave.  
I jumped then. I told him not to go, and pouted a little bit at him. It didn’t work. He wasn’t even looking at me. Just stared at the ground with wide eyes as he moved.  
So, I begged with him then. Got on my knees. I cried….for real.  
But, nothing would make him stay. I then told him it was alright to hit me; that I didn’t care. It was true. Everyone hit me. Mommy. Sarah. Rolf. Even Eddy used to hit me.  
He turned and looked at me, and I got a little hopeful that he would stay. He grabbed my shoulder and bent down.  
“No, Ed” said Edd. “It’s not ok to hit you. Not me, nor anyone else.” I tried to talk to him, but he kept going. “Don’t worry, Ed,” his voice sounded like he was already far away. “We’ll always be friends. And I’ll still come to visit, but….I just…I can’t stay with you. I can’t stay with anyone.” He then gave me a hug. I didn’t hug him back. My tears wouldn’t let my body move. Double Dee then got up and left out of the door. I stayed on the floor crying. I knew we would never be three, but now we couldn’t even be two?!  
When I couldn’t cry anymore, I went to my room and took the picture of me, Double Dee, and Eddy and I just sat on my bed and looked at it. I did that until the next morning…  
Double Dee came back the next day to pack. But, even after that, he came by everyday. I guess we were still friends. I was happy about that at least.  
Then he came by every other day. Then he came by every two or three days. He came by less and less, until one day….he barely came at all.  
I cried about it a lot. We still talked on the phone. Double Dee said I could call him whenever I wanted. But, I missed having him around. I hated being the only Ed. Still do.

I finish cleaning and then grab my coat and keys to head to the grocery store to get some food for my sister and her friend to fill their bellies.

When I get all the food I need, I stand in the line. I sing a song in my head while I wait for whoever is in front of me to get done. I hear the cashier tell them their total.  
“….oh drat!”  
I know that voice! I actually look at the person in front of me this time.  
Double Dee stands there digging through his wallet for the rest of the amount. He turns back to the cashier.  
“I’m sorry, but I’ll have to…” he grabs at a can of vegetables.  
“I got it!” says I.  
Double Dee turns and looks at me while I pull out my wallet.  
“Ed! How are you? ….oh no! You don’t have to-”  
“It’s alright, Double Dee. I want to!” I smile at him.  
He smiles back…sorta…  
I then pay for my stuff and we head out.  
Once we’re outside, we hug each other. I haven’t seen him in about two months. I ask him how he’s been and he just smiles again. It’s a weird smile though….almost like it hurts him to do it.  
“I’ve been, Ed. I’m alive. That’s all that matters, right?” I look at him. He shaved his head not too long after I left and kept it that way. He also stopped wearing his hat, so now you could always see his scar that he used to hide.  
I stare at it. I used to think it was really cool! But, now it just made him look hurt, especially when he was sad.  
And Double Dee was always sad…  
“But, what about you, Ed? You look healthy! Are you managing your Pica, alright?”  
“It’s ok…” I pout a bit.  
Pica was what my therapist said I had. Well, Double Dee’s parents said it first when I tried to eat a spoon at their house. But, then my doctor said I had it too. I don’t like to talk about it though…  
But, then I start telling him about other things as we put his bags in his car. I tell him about work and the new monster I’m designing. And someone said they’d put a comic I made in a magazine!  
Double Dee stays quiet as I tell him, then we finish putting everything up. He looks at the groceries some and then sighs.  
“Thanks, Ed. I’ll pay you back.”  
“You don’t have to.”  
He looks at me with a quirk of his mouth. I just look back at him though. There’s something I want to tell him, but I don’t want him to get upset with me.  
“….Sarah and Jimmy are coming over in two days… They’re moving in with me.” He smiles softly, and it actually looks real this time.  
“That’s great, Ed. You haven’t seen them in years, have you?” I shake my head. He doesn’t seem angry about it. I’m glad. “That’s wonderful, Ed! You guys can reconnect. ….I suppose it WOULD be nice to see them again.”  
I look at him quickly. “Will you come then?!”  
He raises his eyebrow at me. “What ever do you mean, Ed?”  
“When Sarah and Jimmy come, will you come over too? We can hang out. And I’m kind of nervous too. I’ll feel better if you’re there with me.”  
“I don’t know, Ed. I have to work….”  
“It doesn’t have to be that day. Just the next time you’re off.”  
He rubbed his arm. “Ed….I…”  
“Oh PLEEEASE, Double Dee!” I REALLY want to hang out with Double Dee again! It’s been so long. And all four of us together would probably be even more fun!  
Double Dee sighs and then looks at me with that slightly crooked smile. “Only if it would make you really happy…”  
“YAY!!!” I hug my pal and he pats my back. “I can’t wait!! Gotta go! Time flies, but a y dusty fossil lasts forever!”  
I run back to my car and put my bags in and drive back home, singing a song out loud this time.

As soon as I get home, I run to get some paper and a pen and I sit down and write Eddy a letter, telling him how excited, but scared I am!  
Not long after Mommy’s party, Eddy’s Mommy came to me and said that she was sending Eddy a letter and asked if I wanted to too. We couldn’t see or talk to him, but we did have that.  
Of course I did, and I was SO happy when I got a letter back from him. I wish I could’ve seen him, but this was better than nothing. I told him EVERYTHING, and I sent him a letter once a week; sometimes TWO times! Even after I left home and went to college and got a job, I still wrote to him. It felt great to hear from him at all. He didn’t send letters as much as me, but I always checked the mailbox for them.  
Eddy also sent me a lot of stuff. He said they wouldn’t let him keep anything. I used to draw him pictures of stuff sometimes, but he would always send them back. His brother sent him stuff sometimes too, and Eddy would give them to me. It was so cool to have cool stuff from Eddy’s cool brother! He mostly sent him magazines. I didn’t look at them; it felt wrong to. But I didn’t want to throw them away, so I keep them on a shelf in my closet. I tried to take care of them. Eddy always cared a lot about the stuff his brother gave him, so I wanted to too.  
I even got a picture of Eddy’s brother! I didn’t know who he was at first; they don’t look alike. I looked on the back and it just said “Sorry.” I always wondered what that meant… I put him on my wall of friends.

I finish the letter and grab a envelope to put it in. I lick and sigh a bit. I wish I could eat it, but the doctor said it was bad…  
I lick the stamp, but stop because I hear my door knocking. I stare at the door for a minute and then put the envelope on the table. I get up and blow out a breath. I’m so nervous I can feel myself shaking!  
I walk to the door, unlock it, and then open it to see Sarah standing on the other side.  
She smiles a bit.  
“Hey, Ed,” she says, but I can only stare.


	5. Chapter 4: The Ed of Silence, Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://cyanidefilledcandy.tumblr.com/post/145233398639/the-jaded-chapters-3-4-authors-notes-plus

Things were such a mess.

When we heard the faint gunshots that night, I think we all felt it. Something awful had happened. We were all in a panic until we saw my brother and his friends huddled up together and walking into Eddy’s house. Ed was holding Eddy. He looked hurt!

I jumped from the sidewalk and started towards the house. I had to know that they were ok. Kevin stopped me, though. I looked back at him and he just stared at me, intensely. I nodded. They were obviously alive, so everything must be ok. They probably would want to be alone anyway, and probably didn’t want to see us at all right now…or ever again. The thought makes me sad, for reasons I don’t know yet. Kevin invited us all to his house since his parents were out. We all agreed since we now knew that the Eds were ok….or at least alive. However, our relief was cut short when 4 or 5 cop cars sped up and surrounded Eddy’s house. We all stared in shock as the cops bust down Eddy’s door, and then carried my brother and his friends out of the house and put them in the back of their cars.

I start towards the house. Jimmy tries to stop me, but I won’t let him this time. My brother’s in trouble!

“HEY!” I scream at the cops. “What are you doing with my brother?!”

But, they continued on putting the Eds away. So, I break into a run.

“YOU TAKE MY BROTHER OUTTA THAT CAR, MISTER!! HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! IT WAS THOSE STUPID KANKERS! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!! YOU BETTER LET HIM OUTTA THERE!!”

“Sarah!”

Jimmy grabs me back a bit, and the cops get in the front seats, ready to drive off. I still try to get to them and beat them into letting my brother go. They can’t take him away!

“ED! EEEEEED!!!” I scream.

“SARAH! STOP!”

I turn and look at Jimmy, about to punch him in the face and tell him off. He just looks at me with tears in his eyes and wipes my cheek with his thumb. I swipe my arm across my eyes and find it’s completely wet. ….I didn’t even realize I was crying. We didn’t know what was happening, but we realized that we were powerless to stop it. Not only that, but we knew we had set it in motion.

We were all panicking. We went back and forth with each other, trying to think of a way to fix things. We came up with nothing. It wasn’t just the Kankers this time, it was the cops. We all stood or sat outside trying to hold it together, but then our parents started to come home. We all got quiet and looked at each other.

“Guys, we have to tell them,” Nazz says.

I was nervous though. “But…”

Kevin interrupts before I can say anything. “No. Nazz is right. We…we gotta tell our rents. M-maybe they can help fix this.” He looks at Nazz and Rolf, but they shoot him a dirty look, causing him to look away. I look at Jimmy; he nods and then looks down, guiltily. I feel the same way. But, they were right. Maybe the adults could help make it right.

Dad’s car pulled into our driveway. Dad and Eddy’s dad got out, laughing and joking, just as the rest of our parents were pulling up. We ran up to them. They looked at us funny. We were all talking to them at once.

“Woah there, kids! What’s going on?” Eddy’s dad tried to calm us down.

It didn’t work. I latch onto Eddy’s dad. “They took the Eds! They took them away! I tried to stop them, but…I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I yell at him, tearing up. He raises an eyebrow at me, as dad walks off. Just then, Eddy and Nazz’s moms walked up and asked what was wrong. Kevin’s mom and dad, my mom, and Jonny’s mom and dad soon came up too. Even Rolf’s parents came to see what the commotion was about, even though I don’t they could really understood. We all crowded around the adults. They didn’t understand and they all tried asking us questions. Everyone was talking at once until Kevin’s dad told everyone to quiet down, and when they did, he turned to Kevin and asked him what was happening. Kevin rubbed the back of his head.

“….see-” he started, but before he could go any further, Dad came running back. He looked at Eddy’s dad, eyes wide.

“Your door’s been broken down. So has the door to Eddy’s room.” That’s all it took for Eddy’s father to push us out of the way, and he, his wife, and my dad all ran into Eddy’s house.

We could hear them in the house calling for the Eds.

Kevin’s dad once again asked us what happened, staring right at Kevin. Kevin seemed to buckle under his gaze, but tried to explain anyway.

“We- we didn’t mean-….the…the Eds just caused us so much trouble, you know?! We just…we just wanted them to stop, so….so we- ”

“What?” We all turned to see Eddy’s dad’s huge figure glaring at us. Eddy’s mom was standing in their doorway; she was as white as a ghost. I felt like crying again. Dad just stood behind her with a blank look on his face.

Nazz’s mother went up to Eddy’s and grabbed her shoulders, trying to comfort her. “Hey, babe, it’s ok.” Eddy’s mother just continued to stare ahead, appearing to be in shock, so Nazz’s mom pressed on for information. “What is it? What happened?”

Eddy’s mother didn’t say anything for a minute. She looked like she couldn’t breathe. Then, “The…the boys have been arrested…”

“….what?” Nazz’s mom gaped at her.

“So what then?”

We turned our attention back to Eddy’s dad. “What did you do?” Eddy’s father glared down at all of us, then screamed, “What the hell did you do?!” Dad grabbed his shoulder and told him to calm down. He then lead everyone inside of our house to sit down and get to the bottom of the situation.

 

The day of the trial was one of the most terrifying days of my life. Finding out that the Kankers were dead, and that the Eds were apparently the ones that killed them. Having to sit on the stand and spill all of the horrible things I had done; in front of all of those people, in front of my parents, and in front of my brother and his friends.

As it turns out, Eddy was the one who shot them, but it was in self defense. We all had no doubt about that. Those girls were ridiculously strong and sadistic to boot. However, the judge wouldn’t have any of it. They let my brother go, saying he had the mind of a child and didn’t understand. But, they ordered him to attend therapy. Double D was charged with 4th degree murder and sentenced to 18 months. …Eddy was going to die…

DIE!!

On the way out, we were all bombarded by the press. Our parents just kept saying, “no comment” and tried to push us all through.  
“DOUBLE DEE! EDDY!”

My brother screamed and cried, reaching out for his friends. Dad was trying to hold him back, but wasn’t having much luck. Ed was beginning to get frantic, crying and saying how they were all he had. I felt so bad for him… By the end, a group of people were trying to hold Ed back, and all the while, cameras were flashing and rolling. Mom didn’t look happy at all. She was holding her head and staring at Ed with hate. Finally, the cars drove off with Double D and Eddy, and my brother just stopped completely. Mom took the opportunity to grab all of us and rush us to the car in a huff.

 

While Dad was driving us home, Mom went ballistic! She went on and on about how bad this made them look and how her reputation was in ruins. Dad didn’t say anything. He just looked annoyed and stayed silent, like he usually does; at least at first.

The more mom went on, the more annoyed he seemed to get. Finally, he cut her off..

“Will you calm down?”

Mom was undeterred.

“Calm down?” she says, indignantly. “Calm DOWN?! How am I supposed to calm down exactly?! We were just made a spectacle of!”

“…. “we” were?”

“Yes we were! Do you have any idea how this makes us look?! People are going to think we’re horrible parents! That we don’t know how to keep our child out of trouble!”

“The verdict was that Ed had nothing to do with it. Everyone knows-”

“Oh yes! That’s fantastic! Now the whole world knows our child is a stupid retard!”

“Jesus Christ!” Dad groans and I wince at Mom’s wording.

I look over to Ed, knowing he must’ve been hurt by her harsh words. But, Ed only stared out the window. Our parents kept arguing, but he didn’t seem to be affected by any of it.

When we got home, Mom and Dad were still arguing. Well, Mom mostly. She shouted for Ed to go to his room, but he was already headed there. I felt so awful. I look to Mom.

“Mom…I’m sor-”

“Sarah! Just..!!,” she sighs, “Just go to your room, please.”

A few tears slip from my eyes as I say a small “ok, Mom..” and I walk towards the stairs. On my way, I see my brother.

“Ed!” I run up to him; he doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop. “Is- is there anything I can do for you?”

He stops then. He turns around and gives me a look that has me backing away in fear. The only time I had ever seen him look that way was the day he kicked us all out of the house. I back up and don’t say anything else. He just turns around and walks to his room.

When I got to my room, I sat on my bed and grabbed a magazine to flip through. I wasn’t really reading it, though. I couldn’t focus on any of the articles. I could barely focus on the pictures. They all seemed to melt together into one big blur of colors. I stayed that way until Mom called us down for dinner. I walked downstairs and sat at the table. Dad was looking out of the window with a grimace on his face. I could just make out the reporters that seemed to set up camp in the middle of our cul-de-sac. He just sighs and turns back toward the table. Mom sets the food down and then angrily yells for Ed to come to the table to eat. She gets no response and after 3 minutes of not even the sound of Ed’s clumsy feet tripping up the stairs, she lets out a loud groan of frustration.

She calls me and then hastily shoves me a plate.

“Go and give this to your stupid brother!”

I nod numbly and head down the stairs. When I get to the bottom of the basement stairs, I call out before heading to Ed’s room.

“Ed…I brought dinner down for you…” No response.

A bit timidly, I peeked my head through his door. Ed was just laying motionless in his bed in a hunched huddle. His whole demeanor just looked so dejected.

“E-…Ed?” I call to him one last time. Still nothing. He was either asleep or ignoring me. Either way, I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere and I just left the food by his door.

A few hours later, after dinner and getting ready for bed, I noticed Ed had never come up to bring back his plate. Curious, I went back downstairs to peek into his room, almost tripping over the plate by the door. The food was right where I left it, in the exact same state. Ed hadn’t so much as moved a bean around. I looked into his room, and he was also in the exact same position as when I left. I wasn’t even sure he was breathing.

“…Ed…?” I was surprised by the slight crack in my voice.

Ed still didn’t answer.

And so I just walked to my room. I’d never seen Ed like that! Sure he’d been sad before (heck, he’d blubbered like a baby when mom and dad took his tv away), but it wasn’t….this. It seemed to go beyond normal sadness, and it just felt so wrong for ED to be in that way. When I got to my room, I layed down in my bed and just stared at the wall, thinking about everything. Soon I felt my pillow getting damp.

The next day, the day after that and the day after that….for at least a week and a half, Ed stayed in that same position. He never moved or made a sound. He didn’t even eat.

One day Mom ran downstairs and literally screamed at him to get up and eat something….and my brother still didn’t move…

She finally just threw her hands up and went back upstairs. On the way, she was ranting about how great it would be if the reporters found out that “the big idiot” wasn’t eating. She once again screamed how everyone would think lowly of her as a mother.

Ed HAD to come up when it came time for his therapy, and after that, he was a little better. …well, he ate anyway. He still never said anything to anyone and barely left his room or bed.

 

A couple of weeks later, Mom threw a party. Well, get-together. “We’re doing it to show our support to Eddy’s mother,” she had said. But, I knew even then the party was more for her than anything. She was trying to save face.

Pretty much all of our neighbors were there. Kevin, Jimmy and Jonny’s parents, Nazz’ mom, Rolf’s mom and Nana, as well as Jimmy, Kevin, Nazz, and Rolf were all in our house. Eddy’s mom sat in a chair in the corner of our living room. Mom sat with her arms around her, giving her reassuring words and pats. Dad just stood in the corner not saying anything, as always. Everyone kept coming to her and offering their condolences, but it looked like it all fell on deaf ears. Me, Jimmy, and Kevin (also Nazz and Rolf even though they weren’t involved) offered our apologies, to which she would give a weak smile and nod. She just looked so lost and alone.

Eddy’s father wasn’t there. Eddy’s mom said he just wasn’t feeling well. No one could blame him. Jonny also wasn’t there. He just….wasn’t the same anymore, and a party probably wasn’t a good idea for him. Me, Kevin, and Jimmy were all technically grounded, but our parents made us come to face Eddy’s mother. We’d all have rather been grounded.

“Where’s Ed?” Eddy’s mom suddenly asked mine. Mom kept on smiling, but it was a bit tense.

“He’s in his room.”

“Can I see him, please?”

Mom’s smile got a bit tighter, but she muttered an “of course”, and went to get Ed. When she came back, Ed was looking at the ground, wringing his hands together. He looked up at her a bit, but couldn’t seem to hold her gaze.

Eddy’s mom just smiled sadly and held out her arms. That was all it took for Ed to run into her arms and break down. She held him tightly as he sobbed into her shoulder. He kept muttering “I’m sorry” over and over again, as we all just looked at them, helplessly. Mom looked a little miffed at the scene, but through my sadness I felt a little glad for Eddy’s mother being there. At least Ed finally had someone to comfort him, and though I didn’t realize it at the time, him finally showing some emotion also gave me relief.

Eddy’s mom shushed my brother and rubbed his back.

“It’s not your fault, honey” she muttered, quietly, but this only seemed to make him cry harder.

“She’s right! It’s not your fault!” Jonny’s dad suddenly spoke up. We all turned to look at him. “None of this is any of you boys’ fault and…this just isn’t right!”

“Yeah! There’s gotta be something we can do!” Jonny’s mom joined in.

“Yes! We’ll get a petition started! Protest! Whatever we need to do!”

“Hey! He’s right, babe! We’ll help you guys; round up a posse’…” Nazz’s mom joined in with a smile.

“Whatever it takes to get your boy back home to you,” Mom clutched Eddy’s mom’s shoulder.

“…thank you, guys,” Eddy’s mom smiled back at them, but it was a weak one. I think she knew it was hopeless.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Mom went to go and answer it. While she did that, I walked up to Jimmy who was fixing himself a cup of punch. I reached out to tap his shoulder, but quickly withdrew my hand. I just didn’t know how to act around him anymore. I didn’t know what to say; what I COULD say. We hadn’t spoken since the night the cops came and got the Eds. But, I felt like I needed to say something to him. Anything.

“H-hey, Jimmy.” Jimmy turned around.

“Oh. Hello, Sarah,” and I wanted to shudder from the cold tone.

I tugged at the hemming of the dress Mom made me wear. “H- how are you?”

“I’m ok,” came the robotic response, followed by an equally monotonous, “How are you?”

“….alright, I guess.”

“Good.”

He gave a small little smile seemingly out of politeness, and made his way around me to go stand with his parents. I felt so sick to my stomach. I just couldn’t believe Jimmy and I weren’t friends anymore! I happened to glance up to find Kevin sitting on the couch not too far away. He was rubbing his arm and his knees were bouncing up and down. He didn’t seem to notice me staring. I followed his line of vision and saw Nazz and Rolf chatting and laughing.

“Excuse me! This is a PRIVATE affair!”

Mom’s outburst grabbed everyone’s attention and we all looked to the door to see what was wrong. Mom was standing with a hand on her hip and glaring at the petite woman who stood in the door with her hands clasps in front of her. The woman stuttered under Mom’s gaze.

“I- I’m sorry. Isn’t this the gathering for-”

“You know, I don’t know how exactly you people found out about this,” Mom interrupted, “but we are still human beings with rights! And you people can’t just waltz in here whenever you feel like it and broadcast our lives to the entire country!” Mom was pissed, and understandably so. Since the incident, reporters had been hounding us all; they even followed us to school! I was glad someone was finally giving them a piece of their mind. The lady stuttered when she spoke.

“I- I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding! I’m not a reporter! I’m….I’m Eddward’s mother,” she stated to all our surprise, then quickly added, “The- the OTHER Eddward.”

Mom’s demeanor instantly changed and she put a hand over her heart.

“Oh. ….oh! I’m so very sorry!” she smiled. “Please, come in,” she said, and stepped out of the way to let her in.

“Thank you,” Double Dee’s mom replied and stepped in, her hands still clasped in front of her.

Come to think of it, I’m not sure if I’d ever seen her before that moment. I always pictured a much older woman when I thought of Double Dee’s mom, but this lady didn’t look that old at all. She looked a whole LOT like Double Dee. She was really short, though, and had her brown hair pulled back in a tight, neat bun.

“Sorry,” my mother apologized again. “We’ve been having so much trouble with reporters and such these days.”

“Indeed. I understand,” she replied. Eddy’s mother walked to the front of the room to meet them.

“Ah. You’re…um…Eddy’s mother, correct? I recall you from the trial. I’d very much like to offer my condolences on…oh!” she exclaimed as Eddy’s mother grabbed her in a hug, tears rolling down her face. She froze completely, looking as if she didn’t know what to do. Under other circumstances, it might have been funny. Eddy’s mom sniffled.

“I’m really sorry,” she said letting her go. “Double Dee’s such a good boy. He didn’t deserve this.” She held her hands and offered her a sad smile. Double Dee’s mom cleared her throat.

“Um…yes. Thank you,” she nodded a bit uncomfortably. “I- I didn’t really know your son, but Eddward was always fond of him,” she offered in kind.

“Is.” Mom said with a bit of bite.

Double Dee’s mom’s eyes went wide, seeming to realize her mistake.

“Oh! Yes! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean-,” but Eddy’s mom just shook her head.

“It’s fine. It’ll be true enough soon anyway,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Come on! We’re going to fight this,” Jonny’s mom came up and rubbed her shoulders in comfort. Eddy’s mom sniffled, but nodded her head and smiled.

The night continued on. Kevin’s dad left a bit early because he had to work the next day. Same for Nazz’s mom, Jonny’s dad and both of Jimmy’s parents. Nazz, Jimmy, and Kevin went home with them. I remember seeing Nazz hug Rolf before she left. She passed by Kevin without so much as a glance. I’m pretty sure she hadn’t talked to him that entire night.

Dad started to clean up. I helped (part of my punishment) while the remaining moms all sat down and shared memories of their sons. Rolf decided to help us. Dad and he both seemed to rather work than be stuck in the midst of “girl talk”, which they joked quietly about. I didn’t blame them…

The conversation was normal enough, but I noticed that Double Dee’s mom looked more and more uncomfortable as the conversation went on. She would smile awkwardly whenever someone would bring up a funny memory of the Eds, which only faltered more when she was asked her opinion about something said or about the Eds in general.

The more they talked, the more Mom seemed to start asking more and more specific questions about Double Dee. Just random stuff; his favorite color or movie, what his hobbies were, any small little thing. Double Dee’s mom would always hesitantly answer, if she answered at all. Her fists were wrapped so tightly in her lap that her knuckles started to turn white. It was obvious she was very uncomfortable talking about her son, though I couldn’t understand why. Mom finally asked her what Double Dee’s favorite food was, to which after a while she replied, “….I’m afraid I don’t know…”

“You don’t know much about, Eddward, do you? But, it’s understandable, what with you always working.” Mom smiled sweetly. Double Dee’s mom looked horrified.

“…..excuse me!” she suddenly jumped up and walked to the front door to leave. Eddy’s mom gave my mom a look and then went after her, leaving Mom looking confused. She stayed gone for a bit, but she came back alone. When she did, everyone chatted for just a few minutes more before leaving.

I was heading up to bed when I heard a knock on the door once more. I looked down from the top of the stairs as dad opened it. Eddy’s dad practically fell through the door. Dad only JUST managed to catch his hulking body before he fell to the floor.

“Easy there, buddy,” Dad said as he helped Eddy’s dad to his feet. “You alright?”

“I couldn’t do it,” Eddy’s dad slurred as he leaned against my dad. “Comin’ here and lookin’ in all these people’s faces, pretending like everything’s ok when their…bastard kids killed mine.”

I flinched a bit.

“Hey. It’s ok, buddy. They’re all gone now. Come on,” Dad said, leading his friend to our kitchen. The whole time I could hear Eddy’s dad moaning, “My kid…”, over and over again, voice full of sorrow.

I know I was supposed to be in bed, but curiosity got the better of me. I quietly snuck downstairs, and stood outside of the kitchen listening to their conversation.

“..n’t believe this is happening!” Eddy’s dad said. I peeked into the door. They were both sitting at the table, drinking. Eddy’s dad seemed like he was already drunk and Dad was drinking at the party. But, this would be far from the first time they did this, so I just brushed it off.

“Can’t believe those kids went THAT far over a buncha stupid pranks! And those girls… I- I never payed attention when Eddy used to complain about em. Just…figured they were just being aggressive in their attraction, you know?” He laughed bitterly. “I used to fuckin CONGRATULATE him over it!”

Dad only nodded as he drank and patted Eddy’s dad’s back as he ranted.

“And that….that fucking trial! Eddy pulled some stupid stunts and those assholes tried to make him sound like a monster!” Eddy’s dad’s voice rose and fell like he had no control over it. “Tried to make ALL of em sound like monsters… Even Ed and Double Dee!” He fisted his hands into his hair.

Dad shook his head and took another drink before he sighed. “The system is bullshit, man. All anyone is looking at is what’s between everyone’s legs. Nothing else matters.”

“…..I lost both of my kids,” I hear Eddy’s dad whisper, sounding like he’s on the verge of tears.

“…Eddy’s a knucklehead, but he didn’t deserve that.”

“Neither of our kids deserve that bullshit…” He gives a derisive laugh. “Some grade-A fuckin’ father I turned out to be…”

“No worse than the rest of us….specially me.”

“At least your kids aren’t both criminals…”

Dad laughed at that; a biting, humorless laugh.

“No. My kids are great. One’s an invalid who can’t take two steps without tripping over his own feet; the other’s a loud-mouthed bitch like her mother.”

I felt the breath leave me, and had to cover my mouth with my hand to prevent the whine that I desperately wanted to let out. Even DAD thought that about me?

I knew that I could be bossy and…I was a little mean and controlling, but was I really THAT bad? I thought back to Double Dee’s notebook and the words he wrote about me. I was so hurt…pissed that he thought so lowly of me, but….maybe he was right, I realized as tears ran down my face.

“Seriously?” I hear Eddy’s dad say in a quiet voice. I looked and he was staring Dad dead in the eye. “Is that seriously what you think of your son?”

Dad just sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “What else am I supposed to think? You know I’ve tried with him. I just….I don’t know what to do.”

“How about tryin to get to know him? Look…Ed ain’t smart by a long shot, and I know he can be difficult. But, he’s a good kid. All he wants is to be happy and for his family to love and accept him. Simple.”

I thought hard about that. I didn’t hear the end of the conversation because I left then. All Ed wanted was for us to love him, huh?

 

School started not too long after that, and things felt even more jilted. Ed never talked to or sat with anyone, and he was still so depressed. Jonny also seemed to retreat into himself. He always seemed so nervous, constantly looking around as if he was weirded out by everybody. Nazz still wouldn’t talk to Kevin and she and Rolf started spending a lot of time together without him. But the worst was Jimmy. He would pass by me in the hallway without speaking. Most times, he wouldn’t even look my way. He wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence!

Gosh! It hurt so much! But, we all ignored it and carried on, trying to pretend like things were normal.

….then Kevin started to act weird. He would zone out a lot and couldn’t seem to focus on anything, even football. His moods changed drastically too. Sometimes he seemed to be in a really great mood; sometimes he would stare off into space with a look of deep depression. He started to look different too; like he was really sick or something. He lost a ton of weight. Then he started missing school and failing. Eventually, they kicked him off the team.

Double Dee wound up coming back early. We were all happy for him and eager to appease to his good nature and beg for forgiveness. Double Dee was always level-headed and peace-loving. If he just knew how sorry we were, then we could put this all behind us.

It seems we were wrong in how forgiving he really was, though, and on his first day back he yelled at all of us and made it clear that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with us. He was really scary when he exploded at us….terrifying actually. So, we left him alone. And I felt my heart ache with the lingering feelings I still had for him, and the knowledge that I was beyond redemption in his eyes.

Everything was changing…

One night, Kevin’s parents came to our house and asked if we’d seen him. Admittedly, I hadn’t, but I assumed he was just skipping school. They asked the entire neighborhood that night, but no one knew where he was…..and we wouldn’t know for a long time…

Another huge change came when my parents started talking about Ed leaving. …well, arguing is a form of talking, right?

Mom surprisingly didn’t want Ed to go. Dad argued that this was a chance for Ed to better himself and be happy. I started feeling more and more unhay. I hated it when my parents fought, and it was happening all the time now. And to be perfectly honest….I hated the idea of Ed leaving. I mean, I used to always wish for it, feeling like he was an idiot and I’d be better off, so I couldn’t understand why the thought of him leaving upset me so. I was still young then, and didn’t realize how much Ed actually meant to me. Also, I hated the state he was leaving in, and the state of our relationship. Ed had pretty much cut off all interaction with me. I had no idea how he felt about me anymore.

Ed remained pretty quiet about the matter, but we eventually found out that he wanted to go as well. And so it was set.

When he left, all of us and Double Dee were there to see him off. I watched a bit envious as the two Eds hugged each other goodbye. They stayed that way for at least a full minute, as if they didn’t want to let each other go. Ed hadn’t so much as looked at me. Meanwhile, Mom went on another tirade about Ed leaving. She yelled at him, called him names, and even hit him and tried to physically make him stay, causing Dad to have to hold her back. I didn’t get it… Didn’t she feel the same way I did about Ed not being there?

As Ed was getting into the car, Mom finally exploded, screaming and crying. I was shocked at how she was reacting, and even Dad looked surprised. She suddenly stopped crying though, and told Ed that if he left, he wasn’t welcome back. Ed stopped for a minute and looked down, as if he was considering not going. Then he just opened the car door without a word or a glance and got in. But, I couldn’t just let him go without easing my mind first.

“Ed! Wait!” I ran up to the car right before he closed the door. He held the door open, but continued to look at the floor.

“Ed….you don’t hate me, do ya?” I smiled a bit a him, knowing what he’s going to say. Of course he didn’t hate me! Ed always loved me unconditionally, no matter what I did to him. No matter how badly I hurt him or got him in trouble. Ed ALWAYS loved me. Still…I needed to hear him say it. He was quiet for a moment, and then looked me straight in the eye with a seriousness I had never seen in him before.

“I don’t know, Sarah.”

And the door was closed. The car started and my brother went away.

I just stood there after he was gone. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. Ed had always, always cared about me no matter what. The thought that he might actually hate me just made it really sink in how far I had gone. If even Ed didn’t love me anymore, I must have truly been horrible. As bad as Double Dee thought I was when he wrote his notes that the Kanker sisters stole for us; as bad as Dad said I was that night; as bad as Eddy had always screamed I was. Ed hating me was more than I could bear, and I broke down right there in the yard.

 

Our cul~de~sac seemed to die after that.

Ed and Eddy were gone. Kevin was still missing. Double Dee just sat in his room all day. I could see him gazing out of the window at times, blankly watching the empty streets. Nazz and Rolf seemed to only want to be around each other. And Jonny just roamed around aimlessly like a ghost, not interacting with anyone or anything.

It was like a grey haze had settled over the cul~de~sac, wiping the life from our once vibrant street.

 

 

“Sarah, we’re here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	6. Chapter 4: The Ed of Silence, Pt. 2

“Sarah, we’re here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sound of Jimmy’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I take a deep breathe as he parks the car and try to gather my bearings. I reach in and grab my duffel bag and suitcase while Jimmy grabs his backpack and suitcase. Then we walk up to the building. We just stand for awhile, staring up at it. We’re both quiet. I’m so nervous! Even though Ed and I talk a lot, it’s still been forever since we’ve actually seen each other!

I finally work up the nerve to step up to the building with Jimmy in tow. We walk up to the elevator, only to find it broken, which is fine really. So, we head over to the stairs. Ed’s apartment is only on the third floor, so it’s not so bad. Honestly, the longer this takes, the better. It gives me more time to build up my nerve.

Not long enough… We reach the door in no time. 308.

I look at Jimmy and he gives me a smile. I turn back to the door, but still make no move. Finally, I steel myself and knock a few times on the door. I wait with bated breath. I finally hear a click and I almost jump out of my skin! I gather myself as the door slowly opens. There he is.

“Hey, Ed.” I smile at him.

But, he just stares at me like he’s in shock. My smile falters a bit.

“Um….Ed?” He still just stares at us.

“You….remember we were supposed to be coming, right Ed?” Jimmy asks, with as much concern as I have. My brother nods his head silently. I knit my eyebrows.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him.

“Nothing…” he answers slowly, still looking bewildered. “You…you’re so BIG, baby sister!”

I exhale, which then turns into a relieved laugh shared with Jimmy. “Yeah…I guess it has been a while.” Ed then lets us in so we can put our bags down and get settled in.

A few moments later, I find myself staring at his wall. It’s filled with pictures of all of us and I find myself smiling a bit in bittersweet contemplation. Who would’ve ever thought Nazz and Rolf would hook up? And they even had their own successful business back home. They seemed happy, and I was happy for them. Same for Jonny.

I linger a bit at the picture of Kevin. He’d turned up a couple of times over the years only to disappear again. I’m surprised he sent Ed a picture at all. Surprised, but glad, though it almost seems like an omen…

Finally, I find myself staring at the picture in the center. It was the Eds at Eddy’s thirteenth birthday party. I remember Eddy inviting me, which was shocking. But, of course, I had said no, wanting nothing to do with the trio who I then considered to be lame and beneath me. I really wish I had gone. They look like they had a blast! My chest feels a bit heavy.

I snap out of my thoughts and turn around when I hear the door open. I smile as Ed walks in with two cups of hot chocolate. He hands me one and stands beside me.

“Thank you,” I say and take a sip.

“No problem,” he grins down at me. Even though I’ve grown a lot and am taller than most girls at 5'10”, Ed still completely towers over me! I shrug it off though. Ed’s always been like a freak of nature.

“Thanks again for letting Jimmy and I stay with you,” I say. I take a good look at my brother. He’s certainly changed. He let his hair grow out for one, and he was taller. He’s also working as a graphic designer, which surprised everyone. His apartment is surprisingly nice. He’s done really good for himself, despite everything. But, even still….he’s still a slob. His shirt is stained and and his jeanns have holes in them. He still has that stupid unibrow and the same dopey look on his face. For all that Ed’s changed, he’s still just Ed. It makes me feel warm.

“Where’s Jimmy?” he suddenly asks.

“He went down to get some more things out of the car.” Both of us sit our cups down, and a thought hits me. “How’s Double Dee doing?” I haven’t seen him in a while either. Not since he left Peach Creek to move in with Ed. I look at Ed. He’s being really quiet…

“He’s fine…” he finally says. “I saw him a few days ago at the grocery store.” It still blew my mind that Double Dee and Ed weren’t living with each other. I remember calling Ed that day, thrown off by how absolutely miserable he sounded and even more thrown at the fact that Double Dee just suddenly chose to leave.

Ed continues, “I told him about you and Jimmy coming to stay with me for awhile, and he said he’d like to come and see you guys sometime.” Now, THAT’s a shocker. But, a great one!

I smile at Ed. “That’s good….I haven’t seen him in awhile. ….what is it?” I ask him. He’s staring at me all weird again. Not for the first time today, I wonder if he’s ok, or if I did something wrong. He doesn’t look upset with me, but rather like he’s thinking deeply about something. “Ed, wh-”

“I love you, Sarah,” he says all of a sudden. I just stand with my mouth open, frozen mid-sentence by his out-of-the-blue proclamation. All at once, I’m hit with a array of emotions; the biggest of them being affection, and regret. Guilt. I smile, feeling a mixture of joy and sadness.

“I love you too, Ed.”

I walk up and give him a big hug, which he returns. I squeeze my eyes shut, letting all the love I feel for Ed finally out, and lamenting in the fact that I’d kept it from him for so long.

Suddenly, Ed’s hug gets tighter and I feel a bit of wetness on my shoulder. Then, I hear a sniffle.

“Ed?” He doesn’t answer, but the sniffles become more frequent. It’s pretty obvious now that he’s crying. “Ed. What’s wrong?”

He finally lets go of me, and turns away as if to hide his tears.

“Nothing,” he sniffs.

“Come on, Ed. You can tell me.” But, he just shakes his head, a small little smile on his face.

“It’s nothing. Just…remembering…”

I’m about to press for more, but he just walks off to his room. I think about going after him, but feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to see Jimmy. He just shakes his head with a sad smile on his lips, as if reading my thoughts. I smile back and nod at him, letting it go for now. It’s been a long time, and we have a lot of catching and making up to do. But, we have all the time we need now, and I intend to use it.

 

I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. When I come out, Ed’s standing in the middle of the small hallway. He’s just staring.

“Ed, what are you doing?” He doesn’t answer me, so I walk up to him. “Ed?” No response. I take a good look at him, he’s staring dead ahead with his eyes wide. He looks like he’s afraid of something. I look ahead of him and can’t see anything. I grow worried. I take my hand and shake his shoulder a bit. “….Ed?”

He jerks a little, and looks over at me like he just realized I was there. “What’s wrong?” I ask, but he just smiles and shakes his head.

“Nothing…goodnight, Sarah,” he says and just heads back to his room.

….I wonder what that was about…maybe he was sleepwalking.

 

The next day, I wake up pretty early and go to the kitchen. I think it’ll be nice to make breakfast for Ed in thanks for letting us stay here. As I walk to the kitchen, I hear a bunch of scurrying around. I look in to find Ed running around in a bit of a rush.

“Good morning, Ed.” I greet.

“Good morning, ba-oh! BIG sister!”

I shake my head and give a good-natured smile. “What are you up to, Ed?”

“To work I must go!” he declares as he pops a couple pieces of toast out of the toaster and sticks them in his mouth. I deflate a bit.

“Aww…really? I was hoping to make you breakfast, Ed.”

“No time for that, baby sister!” he mumbles while trying to butter the toast while it’s still in his mouth. “A late duck does not a cupcake make.”

I roll my eyes, but it’s in good humor. “Right, Ed.” I watch him run around like a chicken with his head off, as he briskly walks to the living room to grab his portfolio that’s spilling out in every direction with papers. He then walks over and grabs his keys from a bowl on top of his living room stand and heads for the door. He stops once he reaches it and turns back to me with an almost coy look. I raise my brow slightly. Then he opens his mouth.

“Uh….I love you, Sarah.” Both my eyebrows raise momentarily. Then, my face softens. I feel like this is going to become a habit….which is totally fine by me.

“I love you too, Ed,” I smile. He smiles that dopey smile that only he can and heads out of the door. I’m glad his day can start on a happy note. I go back to the kitchen to start making breakfast for me and Jimmy, when the door opens and Ed rushes back in.

“I almost forgot!” he exclaims and then grabs a thermos. He grabs a coffee pot that I didn’t notice before and pours a good bit of it into the thermos. Then he’s out the door again in a flash. I look over at the coffee pot. Coffee’s not a bad idea, considering I’m still half asleep. I grab a mug and go to pour myself a cup. When I do, I notice it smells weird. It couldn’t be… I take a small sip.

Uh huh.

That’s definitely gravy…

I stare at it a bit before laughing and shaking my head. Yep….definitely still Ed…

 

When night comes, Ed is a bit late getting home. I find myself constantly staring out of the window wondering where he is.

“You should calm down. I’m sure he’s fine.”

I turn to Jimmy. “You don’t know that. What if something happened to him? What if he got lost or something?” Jimmy just smiles knowingly, and looks at me from browsing the newspaper classifieds.

“Someone’s overprotective,” he remarks. “I thought Ed was supposed to be the big brother.”

I don’t like his tone or his teasing. “Whatever…” I say as I turn back to the window. I hear Jimmy laugh in response. Jerk-face…

 

“Ed?”

 

Jimmy and I jump slightly as we hear a voice from Ed’s front door and mini foyer. “Oh, Edward? Are you home?” We look at each other, recognizing the voice. Now, I REALLY have to steel myself. We both get up and head to the front door to find Double Dee standing there with a tote bag under his arm. I try to swallow my nervousness.

“Um…h- hey, Double Dee…”

“Hello, Double Dee,” Jimmy says in kind.

He turns and looks at us then, and I’m a bit thrown by his appearance. His head is shaved and even through his massive coat, I can tell that he’s lost a little more weight than when I last saw him. He looks just….sick, especially around his eyes.

“Good day, Sarah and Jimmy.”

He smiles pleasantly at us, but….I don’t know. It looks really strange.

“It’s been many a year, hasn’t it?” he continues as he makes his way over.

“Sure has,” I hear Jimmy answer. “How have you been, Double Dee?”

“Oh, well enough, I suppose. Where’s Ed?”

“He…hasn’t come home yet.”

I interjected. “You don’t think anything bad happened to him, do you?!”

“Oh no. He’s probably just out doing….the things he sometimes does after work.” I find myself staring at him. Ok?

“Well, I suppose I ought to get dinner started,” he says in cheery voice. “Ed does prefer that I cook when I come over.” He makes his way to the kitchen, stumbling on a rug a bit, which he just sort of laughs off. “I hope you two don’t mind pasta. Ed really likes carbonara, so I thought I’d make it.”

Jimmy and I follow him to the kitchen to see him unloading ingredients from his bag.

“Not at all,” I smile and Double Dee smiles back at me, only increasing my nervousness. Something’s wrong… I can’t quite figure it out, but Double Dee just seems….off. His smile is off. The way he’s talking is off. The look in his eyes are off. I find myself wondering if he’s actually upset to see us and is just being polite for Ed’s sake… My thoughts are interrupted by Jimmy’s as he speaks aloud.

“Hey… How did you get in? Did we leave the door unlocked?” he suddenly waves his arm in the air. “Not that we’re upset you’re here, it’s just…we’re in the city now…” but Edd just waves in a dismissing manner.

“No worries, Jimmy. No, the door was indeed locked. I just retain my old key to the apartment,” he says as he reaches into the cabinet and pulls out a glass. “Ed wanted me to keep it in case I ever wanted to come over and he was out. Likewise, Ed has a key to my own apartment. But, fret not, I have no intentions on barging in unexpected knowing you and Sarah now reside here as well.”

“Don’t be silly, Double Dee!” Jimmy says with a smile, and I join him.

“Yeah. Feel free to come by anytime.” It was then that I noticed Double Dee had pulled a bottle of wine out of the bag. He opens it and pours himself a glass. Jimmy and I give each other a look, then watch in stunned silence as we see him down the entire glass in seconds. He then turns around and begins prepping, while pouring himself a second glass.

“So, what have the two of you been up to? What are your plans now that you’re in the big city?” he continues as if he didn’t just do what he did.

We all talk as Double Dee cooks and drinks. Him drinking is weird enough, but it was how much he was drinking that really threw me. But, we just continue chatting as if it wasn’t happening. In a matter of minutes, Double Dee finishes the whole bottle.

He seems ok, though. The more he drinks, the more open and happy he seems. I guess he was like Dad in that way. And really, we shouldn’t be THAT surprised. He was a grown man now. It’s just….it seems so not Double Dee…

 

After a while, we hear the front door open, followed by a “Sarah?”

“We’re in here, Ed,” I call out, glad he’s finally home, safe and sound. He walks in moments later. “Hello, baby sister!” he says with a big, dumb grin. “Hello, Jimmy! DOUBLE DEE!!” he then screams.

Double Dee surprisingly is the one to run up and hug Ed, though. “Hello, Edward! How are you this fine evening?” he smiles up at him. I see some unreadable expression cross Ed’s face, but it passes by so quickly that I’m not even sure it happened at all. He cracks a big dumb grin.

“You came!” he says excitedly, and also surprised. …how long HAS it been since they’ve seen each other?

“Of course. I promised I would, after all. I’m making spaghetti carbonara,” Double Dee replies and heads back over to the counter and I notice he’s got another bottle open and has poured himself another glass.

“Yum!” Ed exclaims and bounces over to the counter to look at what he’s doing like a kid watching their mom cook. Jimmy and I sit down and all four of us chat, and then sit around the table to eat. We all laugh, talk, and enjoy each other’s company. It feels really good! Double Dee seemed more and more comfortable as the night went on, and it was actually fun to see him so open and not uptight like he usually was. Afterwards, I put all the dishes in the sink to wash later, and we all hang out in the living room in front of the tv. We hardly pay any attention to it though, satisfied just to catch up with each other. I would’ve never thought hanging out with my “idiot” brother and his “lame” friends could be fun, and I again feel some sting of regret at the time I lost. But, so very happy that we were able to do this now.

Double Dee suddenly stumbles up and goes to grab his coat. He wobbles as he struggles to get it on. When he finally manages to get one arm through, he grabs for his car keys while struggling to get his other arm through.

“Double Dee, where are you going?” Jimmy asks. 

“I’m going home,” he answers with a smile, finally managing to get his other arm through, but seeming to struggle with his zipper.

All in an instant, the good vibes of the room are shattered as reality settles in. Double Dee is in NO state to drive. Thinking back he had had at least two full bottles of wine, and was working on a third. With the good time we were having, Double Dee’s weird behavior kind of became an afterthought. I start at this and can see Jimmy about to get up as well. But, before we can move, Ed has already jumped up and is heading to Double Dee.

“Wait, Double Dee! You can’t go!” he yells as he grabs Double Dee’s hand. “Stay with with me? We can have a sleepover!” he says a bit childishly. Double Dee just laughs.

“Nonsense, Ed. I have to feed to Edgar and M.P. And you have house mates now.”

“We don’t mind at all!” Jimmy suddenly interjects.

“Yeah!” I say hoping we could stop him from potentially putting himself in danger.

“Oh please stay with us, Double Dee! Pretty please!” Ed looks up at his friend with big puppy dog eyes, but….I swear I almost see a bit of desperation in them.

Double Dee just smiles sweetly at Ed, still swaying a bit. “Oh, why not?”

“YAY!!” Ed says as he grabs his keys and puts them back in the bowl. Jimmy and I sigh in relief. He then leads him over to the couch, with Double Dee leaning on him in his drunken stupor. Ed puts a pillow up on one side of the couch and sits Double Dee down. Double Dee immediately flops his head down on it and closes his eyes tightly, while Ed props his feet up on the other side.

“Oh, Ed…I got my shoes on your couch…” Double Dee says in a slight whine. Ed just smiles.

“It’s ok.” Ed begins to take his shoes off for him.

Jimmy and I watch the scene in silence. We don’t know what to do or how to even react. Ed walks over to a closet and comes back with a small blanket and throws it over his friend.

Then he asks, “Nice and comfy, Double Dee?” But, it seems to fall on deaf ears. Double Dee is out cold. Ed smiles down at him.

“That’s good what you did, Ed.” I finally say.

“Double Dee shouldn’t drive drunk. He could get hurt,” he states matter-of-factually, almost if he’s reciting a pamplet or something. “Oh yeah!” he suddenly exclaims and runs to the kitchen. He comes back moments later with a glass of water. He sets it on the coffee table in front of the couch, along with two pills.

“He gets headaches sometimes…”

Jimmy and I look at each other and I feel a shiver run through me. It was strange enough how Double Dee so uncharacteristically lost control AND recklessly almost put himself in danger. But, seeing how…mature and not to mention prepared Ed was to handle this situation….it was downright scary…

“Ed…” Jimmy says softly. “Does Double Dee do this a lot? ….get this drunk I mean?”

Ed’s really quiet for a moment, before shrugging. “I dunno…” he says. “He used to when we lived together, but I don’t see him that much anymore…” He places his hand of his friend’s shoulder, and I feel myself tear up, and turn to go to our room. It’s bad enough that Edd may do this often; the fact that he does so alone is terrible, especially considering what he almost just did. I find myself sitting by the window and glancing out at the city lights. It seemed the whole city was still bustling with life even at this hour. I could hear cars, faint music, and even sirens…

“Hey, girlfriend. What’s up?” I turn as I hear Jimmy’s voice. He walks up to me and rubs his hand gently across my back and shoulders. I smile and lean into his touch.

“Just thinkin…”

“About what?” He looks at me gently and I sigh.

“About Double Dee. I just….I just didn’t know it was this deep, you know?”

Jimmy’s face falls and he nods. “Yeah….I always thought that out of everyone, Double Dee would be the one to bounce back with no problems.”

I nod as tears fall from my eyes. “Yeah…I knew he was still sad and everything, but I didn’t realize… And I…I just feel so guilty,” I choke out as my voice cracks and I try my best to hold my tears in. Jimmy hugs me to him and shushes me as he pets my hair.

“It’s ok, Sarah. It’ll be ok.” I cry full out then. How can he say that? He grabs my face and looks me in the eye. “Look, what happened happened a long time ago, Sarah. Everyone just needed time to move on, and they have. I know Double Dee’s going through some stuff, but it’s something he has to work on. It has nothing to do with you. You can’t keep holding on to that guilt forever. Your brother’s forgiven us, and even though he has things to work through, I think Double Dee has forgiven us too.”

I stare at him. “You really think so?”

He smiles. “Of course. Look, we’re in a new city in Ed’s surprisingly nice and cozy apartment,” we both laugh at that, “and we can move forward and start over with the Eds. With everything.”

He kisses me and I smile feeling a lot more at ease. “Thanks, Jimmy.”

“You know it, girlfriend.”

We stay hugged up for a while, both staring out into the streets and thinking of how things would move forward now. After a while, we hear noise in the living room and get up to check it. When we get there, we see Double Dee has woken up. We walk over and ask him if he’s ok. He looks around kind of blearily.

“What?” he asks in a daze, then it looks as if realization has hit him. “Did I…?”

We all get quiet.

“It’s ok, Doub-…” Ed starts before Double Dee pushes us out of the way. He heads to the bathroom without saying a word and locks the door. Before long, we can hear violent vomiting. 

I feel….downright helpless. I look to Ed, who just stares at the door with his eyebrows tilted in sorrow. Suddenly we hear silence and the bathroom lock click. We look towards it and see Double Dee coming out. He’s looks so tired and his eyes are pinned to the floor, as he walks towards us, then past. He seems embarrassed, and I feel bad for him.

Jimmy’s the one to break the silence. “Are….are you alright Double Dee?”

“I’m fine,” he answers quietly while still looking at the floor. I then panic as I see him shrug on his coat and grab his keys, and I act.

“Double Dee! Please don-”

“I’m fine,” he says simply, then gives us a tiny glance. “Trust me….I’m fine.” He turns to leave, but Ed runs up to him before he gets to the door.  
“Wait Double Dee!” He does. “Will you come back tomorrow? …or whenever you don’t have to work?” Double Dee’s body seems to tense, before his shoulders slump. He’s quiet for a moment and then looks into my brother’s pleading face. He sighs.

“…only if it would make you very happy, Ed…” His expression looks like he’s almost in pain…

Ed nods eagerly and Double Dee gives him a small, strained smile. He simply nods and then heads out of the door, leaving us just standing there quietly.

“Should we really have let him leave?” Jimmy asks.

Ed just continues staring at the door. Finally, with his back still to us he answers, “He’s ok.”

I’m not so sure though, and neither is Jimmy. I’m not even sure if Ed is sure.

“Alright, well….maybe we should all head to bed. It’s been a long night. Ok, Sarah?” He rubs my arms gently and looks at me with a small smile. I don’t return it, but nod nevertheless. We both say goodnight to Ed and head to our room. He doesn’t answer though. I glance back him as we reach the bedroom.

He’s still staring at the front door…

 

Double Dee keeps his promise and shows up the next night. He doesn’t unlock the door this time, but knocks. Jimmy smiles and tells him it’s unnecessary and he can keep using the key. Double Dee doesn’t respond to it though. He simply gives a few pleasantries out of politeness and heads to the kitchen to cook once again.

“Um….” Jimmy hesitates, “Would you like some help cooking, Double Dee?”

Double Dee replies drowsily, “That won’t be necessary, Jimmy. I can manage on my own. There’s no need to burden yourself.”

Jimmy smiles. “Nonsense! You cooked for us last night; the least I can do is hel-”

“I said I was fine on my own,” Double Dee interrupts, shortly. He then sighs. “I can manage. Please just relax.” He then continues to the kitchen.

Me and Jimmy don’t follow; it doesn’t seem like he wants company.

Ed comes home on time and we all sit down for dinner. Me, Ed, and Jimmy all laugh and talk throughout again, but it’s considerably more awkward (….at least for me and Jimmy; Ed doesn’t seem to notice the atmosphere…).

I can’t get over Double Dee. He’s so drastically different from how he was last night. He looks exhausted, sad, and sick; like just moving or even breathing is too much effort. He isn’t talking, or even eating, pretty much just pushing his food around every so often.

I’m so torn… I hate the idea of Double Dee drinking himself to death. But, when he’s not he looks absolutely miserable…way worse than Dad ever did.

He leaves early, saying once again he had to feed someone. He doesn’t come back the next night. Or the next. Or the following nights either…

Ed had simply smiled and carried on, but I knew he missed him. But, he also seems like he expected it.

I lay in bed and think on the past week. It was a rollercoaster, that’s for sure. I was so sure things would get better. That we could all just move on and be happy. I think back on Jimmy’s words our second night here. Seems he was wrong… Double Dee hasn’t moved on. Not really. And things aren’t going to be easy. We’d all just pushed everything aside expecting things to work themselves out. But, the past wasn’t going to disappear. Relationships weren’t going to just mend and not everyone could simply go on with their lives as if nothing happened.

I turn over on my side and think about Kevin right before drifting to sleep.


End file.
